Hello. Hi. Nkani is back. Apologies for taking so long to post. School had me busy. I hope you enjoy Chapter 2. Kisses.
9th January 2016
“Men are trash.” I say aloud. “I don’t care how you feel about it but men are trash. Pure trash.”
I look at the ladies around the table and sigh.
“They are trash trash trash.” I continue. “On which planet is this okay? How am I supposed to be happy now?”
I am so angry. No one can blame me for being angry. Not even my friends can stop me from saying the words. Men!!! They are all trash. Nonsense walking stinking trash.
“Sampa…” Sonia starts.
“No. This is why we have bitter black women walking around. Like how is this okay? How…”
I take a deep breath pushing back tears. I will not cry. Not now. Not today.
I am still in shock that Sangu broke up with me. A breakup!!! After everything I have done for him,all these years and the man broke up with me? On new year’s eve. Who ends a relationship at their girlfriend’s birthday party? Who? Only Sangu can do that. Only him. To add salt to injury, he was so vague when he said the statement, for a minute I thought he was joking. But he wasn’t joking, the man was serious enough to leave me shocked, speechless and alone. I didn’t say a word, instead I held onto his hand hoping he would shake me back to reality.
What is reality? Where does it start? That night, it started when he left. Men are trash.
Even after he left me standing outside Havana, citing he had things to do at the hospital and he would call me later to explain, he never called. What am I supposed to do now? Wait for his explanation? Maybe the silence is a sign. Maybe he will come around and change his mind about leaving me. I can’t believe he wants me gone from his life. I hate him. I have not slept since he said that dreadful statement. I don’t know if I can sleep anymore. And what’s worse, he has not called me to ask if I am alright. No that’s not the worst. The worst is having to go home and realise the man I love will not be coming home. He moved out. Literally packed some of his clothes before I got home.
Did he plan this move? Was this always in the books for us?
It’s like the man does not care whatsoever. Thank God for friends, my ladies have been with me through it all. Sonia has kept me from breaking down to my lowest and I am grateful for that. The past week has been hectic – trying to figure out what I am supposed to do without the man; what would be his next move if he had any moves left. The week has been a mixture of high blood pressure and bathroom tears before meetings. Last night was the worst, it finally hit me that he was gone. No more Fridays nights in, bed chocolate, wine and a night of passion. I should be at home in Sangu’s arms making love and instead I am avoiding my own bed, my own house. What the hell did I do wrong Sangu? Maybe I should call him and find out what the hell is going on. But what if he says it again? Breakup. The word makes my heart heavy. I can’t bear to think I will be alone without him.
“You seriously need to calm down Sampa.” Mable says slowly. “Men are trash everyday. They know this. They don’t care.”
I look at her and cock my head. Mable Kalunga flashes me a smile. I laugh. I know she means well. Why the hell is she wearing sun glasses now? I can tell she’s tired, from her long messy Peruvian hair all bundled up in a bun on the top of her head to her walk out of the house with no make up on, which tells me she probably wasn’t in the mood for pretty. But even with no make up Mable pulls off any look with her round face, smooth skin and big brown eyes of innocence. Looking at her now in a tight white t-shirt, a hugging black pencil skirt and black heels and she still looks amazing for a plus size woman. Plus never looked so beautiful. She laughs at me and picks up her glass of red wine and takes a sip. Drinking at midday should be banned. Gosh Mable and her drinking woes.
“Sangu is an idiot.” Mable continues. “Sometimes. But I am sure he does not want a breakup. Probably trying to scare you.”
“Are you kidding me Mable? Scare me? Let’s stop joking for once. What is this a horror of the dumping movie? This is not an April fools prank. He is serious about leaving me.” I answer back.
“I am not joking.” Mable argues. “That man loves you. Have you sat down to think that maybe someone else put him up to this. Like when has Sangu ever told you he hates you. You are the best thing in his life mami. Calm down.”
“You say it like it’s so easy. He’s no longer at home remember.” I retort. “It would be easier if we could talk about this like sensible adults.”
“He will be back naiwe.” Mable answers.
I open my mouth and close it. Mable is right. That was not my Sangu last weekend. My Sangu would never hurt me intentionally. He loves me too much for that. Someone must have forced his hand. I take a deep breath and a curse under my breath. Who?
“Mable is right. I agree with her. That came out of nowhere to be honest. Sangu adores you. He always has. What’s changed now? Nothing. Maybe he’s stressed. Work and shit.”
I turn and face Yolanda. Ever the cheerful one and today is no exception. I take in her slim pretty face, her makeup – perfect as always. Out of all my friends Yolanda is the only one who looks amazing bald. All the time. For a woman who wishes she was a tomboy she really looks too pretty to pull it off. Slim, bald and cheerful, so ong as a man does things right – down there – then she’s happy forever. Things must have gone really well with Mutale last weekend. What with my drama I did not ask her how it all went. Lucky her. She should be with him right now. I feel so bad for calling the ladies out. I know they all had plans. They had things to do, but I needed to see them. I needed their advice. Their help.
“What do I do now?” I ask.
That is the question of the day. What do I do? My boyfriend wants me gone. What if he really means it? What do I do then? Pack my life out of our home and move into a new home? How does this work? I hate feeling lost. I hate not knowing the way forward. I hate being pushed onto a road I never planned for. I hate Sangu.
“Talk to the man. Find out what is going on.” Sonia says slowly. “Call him. You’re allowed to. He owes you that much.”
“But what if he still wants a breakup?” I ask
“Then take him to court. Sue him for wasting your time and be happy.” Thandiwe responds. “All those years cooking, cleaning, washing and doing him.”
“My gosh Thandiwe. Watch your mouth.” Mable chides.
“What? I agree with her sentiments. All men are trash.” Thandiwe responds.
“Excuse me.” Mable says shocked, raising her hand.
Mable takes off her glasses and looks at Thandiwe. Her light brown eyes angry. Oh my. I shake my head.
“You have James. You even have him to yourself. You are not allowed to tell us Men are trash.” Mable says.
“I can use the statement if I want to. You know how my marriage has been.” Thandiwe responds
Mable laughs then. She shakes her head and laughs out loud making heads turn.
“How your marriage has been? Girl you live under a rock. You have to forgive me Thandiwe if I still feel you have no right to say it.” Mable says. “Your husband loves you. You’ve been married for what? Almost a year. Only. James adores you. Look at Sampa, her boyfriend is leaving her for no reason. Look at my marriage, I have no idea if I have a house mate, a baby daddy or a husband.”
Thandiwe does not respond. She keeps silent, her eyes on Mable. Well Mable is definitely pissed with her husband. Nothing surprising there.
“Look ladies either way, Sangu probably didn’t mean what he said last week.” Sonia says. “We all agree on that at least. Right.”
Sonia looks at Mable and Thandiwe. They both nod. Sonia reaches out and pats my back. She knows how I truly feel. She sat down with me for most of the week trying to calm me down. I could not even cry because I was in shock. Sangu and I were fine. We were okay. Nothing was amiss. Everything has been perfect for weeks, no fights, no late nights, no stored arguments. We were okay. Gosh I even had birthday sex with the man that morning. It was beautiful. If Sangu had something on his mind, he would have told me in the morning. He would have opened up to me and told me the truth. He has always been honest with his feelings towards me. The man loves me. I made him breakfast that morning. He drove me to work. He got me a birthday present that day too. Everything was okay.
So the breakup thing was something he thought of during the day without me being around.
That trump of a woman did this to me.
She obviously told him to leave me. It must be her. I know it’s her. I am sure of it. She will not destroy my relationship. Not now. Not ever. She is playing with fire this time.
I look at Thandiwe and frown. She is one friend I truly think never appreciates what God has given her. After having a perfect husband she acts like she has the worst man on the planet. After the men she has dated in the past she should be grateful that the man she ended up with loves her so much. James is a lucky man. Thandiwe is even luckier with James. The man loves her crazy. Everything about her he takes in and accepted. And to think Thandiwe is a stubborn woman, it’s surprising she met a man who wanted to keep her. Maybe it’s because she’s so beautiful with her ever longer than her ass weaves, her small face, light skin and killer smile that breaks hearts whenever she looks away. James truly found himself a princess. Oh well to each his own I guess. She has it easy. I have it worse than her.
My husband, Chinyama is in his own world. He does not care. Gosh when was the last time I saw him? Last week friday, new year’s eve, after Sampa’s birthday party. I got home late the man was none the wiser. In fact all I saw was his back. He was fast asleep when I got home and he left early the next morning before I woke up. All he left me was a note on his pillow. I know the words by heart.
Will be gone for a few days. Sudden business trip. See you soon.
That’s it. No I love you Mable. I doubt he cared. I would have gotten home after three days and I doubt he would have noticed. He does not care. His job matters more. Don’t get me wrong, I am a grateful wife and mother but the idea of being ignored so that food can be put on the table is a pathetic excuse. Chinyama has not noticed me in weeks, months. He looks at me but does not really look at me. He simply assumes I’m the same woman. The one he married and maybe I am but damn it this should be easy. Marriage should be beautiful. Not some I don’t want to go home anymore. That night should have been a night he comes to my side and stays. But no. Work got in the way as usual. I miss my husband. Alot, but but I think it’s time for me to admit my marriage is over. It has been for months if not years now. I’m holding onto it for the sake of the memories we’ve made and our children. It breaks my heart to admit it’s over. And nothing says it more than my kissing a random man at my best friends party.
I smile to myself. He said his name was Isaac. I pick up my sunglasses and put them on, hiding the guilt that seems to want to find its way out of my eyes. Who would blame me for kissing the man? He was an attractive man. He got me wanting and craving and if he had let me I would have let him take it all. To replace the memory of Chinyama, maybe then I would be able to leave him. I feel the chills on my skin when I think about the kiss. Isaac’s arms wrapped around me as his lips moved over mine. The best I’ve had this year. There is something about having a man hold you right.
With Chinyama sex is literally a forcing matter, on my part or his part. One of us is never in the mood, sometimes. It irritates me that he has forgotten how we used to be. But Isaac reminded me of how it’s supposed to be. I had arms around his neck and kissed him with everything I had. I needed more. I wanted more. But Isaac stopped it. He said he didn’t want to go further and take advantage of me, a drunk vulnerable woman. I was shocked. I didn’t know some men cared about what kind of state the woman was in before they had sex. Isaac did. He made sure I went back to the party. He left me with Sonia and left shortly after that. I won’t lie he had my mind in a twist. I thought of him all night. I thought about him when I got home. I thought of him as I slept next to a snoring Chinyama. I barely slept that night. I just wanted to know him and when I woke up in the morning and saw my children that feeling died.
“Iwe Mable. Ala where are you?”
I turn and face Thandiwe. Her smile tells me we are good. No longer angry at each other. Friendship.
“What’s up?” I ask.
“Deep in thoughts? You okay?” Thandiwe asks.
“I’m fine. I need another glass of wine.”
“So ba Chinyama ninshi we shall never see him?” She asks.
I sigh and laugh. Even my friends know of my predicament with a foolish uncaring man.
“My husband is away.” I respond.
“I swear I have no idea how you do it.” Sampa says. “You still on the bench?”
I shake my head and shrug.
“Yes. The man is so busy. Sex is a schedule.” I respond. “I need to apply soon.”
And that is the truth. Sex with my husband is on calender. He dictates when he wants it. Twice a month maybe. On Fridays or when he’s stressed. How many other women follow through what I go through. It sucks.
“I can barely manage to get through a week without it and you go for weeks without it. Sangu needs it as much as I do.” Sampa says.
“Lucky you. See why I drink?” I respond.
“You seriously need to twist him in bed next time.” Yolanda says
“You think I haven’t tried that? I’ve been married to him for so long the man knows my styles. These men are foolish. Selfish. But hey we marry them.”
“I would cheat.” Thandiwe says aloud.
We all look at her in shock. She would cheat? Such an ungrateful woman. She gets sexed up everyday or at least almost every day. She complains about it to us sometimes. But who would blame the woman if she cheated on a man who does not touch her anymore. No one. Gosh no one would blame me. They would understand. Maybe I should cheat. Though technically it will not be cheating if I simply have sex right. No emotional attachment to the act should be fine. Why am I thinking about this? This is wrong. But gosh after Isaac kissed me last night I was reminded of what passion should be. And now I want to feel it all. I’m such a bad wife. But even if I wanted to have Isaac I have no way of finding him. He never left me his number.
So maybe it’s for the best. Maybe it’s a sign that I should keep my legs closed.
My marriage is ruining me.
“I think you guys have it easy.” I say aloud.
“You missed my birthday party lady. It better be for something epic.” Sampa says
I look at her and shake my head. For a woman who got dumped like me she sure as hell looks too calm. Then again Sonia told me Sampa lost it last night. Sonia told me Sampa was pretending all was well all week until last night. Sampa is truly a strong woman. She truly knows how too hide her problems too well. Looking at her now no one would know she’s hurting, her light coloured bob is in curls around her face, her makeup looks awesome, even her red lipstick is still on. I know she’s messed up on the inside but on the outside with her white wrap dress on she looks amazing. Why do we single women have to go around telling the world that we are great when we breaking apart on the inside. All this makes me wish I was married like Mable and Thandiwe but then again maybe I am lucky Mutale dumped me.
“Well I am sorry I missed your party. Really wish I didn’t.”
“We all know you and Mutale. No need to apologise.” Sampa smiles.
“I am single.” I respond
“We know that. You’re single till Mutale proposes.” Sonia says. “Or until whoever proposes.”
I roll my eyes. They don’t know what happened last weekend. Gosh has it been a week already? I kept it all to myself. But I’m okay now. I can talk about it. Now is better than never. Throw Mutale to the trash where he belongs so that the dogs can find him.
“No.. I am single. Mutale dumped me last week.”
The ladies look at me in shock. See, they thought we were happy too.
“In person?” Sampa asks shocked
“On the phone.” I respond. “On your birthday Sampa.”
“Is my birthday cursed?” Sampa asks.
I should be angry but I’m not. Mutale can go to hell for all I care. Together with his fiancé preferably.
“Men.. See trash.” Thandiwe says slowly. “Even the unemployed ones. Though why you dated that trash bin of a man beats me.”
“He was okay Thandi.” Mable responds. “Some what okay. Okay, unemployed men is just stretching it. You like to play Yolanda.”
I pout my lips at her and feign shock. “Unemployed or not he was nice and sweet. He was really nice.”
“In the sack, enjoying your money while you got him gifts.” Thandiwe says
“He spoilt me too.” I retort.
“Right. The guy used you. Gave you good D and left. He’s so foolish.” Says Thandiwe. “He’s still unemployed obviously. Living in trash.”
“Calm down Thandiwe. Yolanda, what happened? Jeez. Who dumps someone pa phone? I thought you two were okay?” Mable responds. “That’s like the worst breakup ever.”
“Excuse me. I had my boyfriend leave me on my birthday.” Sampa says
“At least he didn’t propose to another woman on the same day love .” I say. “You’re okay.”
“Huh. What the hell are you saying?” Mable asks.
I look at Mable and smile.
“Well he got engaged last week friday. New year’s eve. Or maybe he’s been engaged for a while. Who knows?” I answer.
The looks on their faces are priceless. A mixture of shock and pity with a hint of wonder. Yes. Mutale is engaged. Not a dream. It’s reality. I got dumped. Me. Yolanda. How sad. I have truly lost my touch. What happened to me? Crazy Yoli. I got tamed.
“But… Wait.” Thandiwe starts. “I don’t understand. He’s engaged to who?”
“His girlfriend. ” I respond. “Not me. Another one.”
“You lie. ” Sampa says aloud.
“Imwe wait. So he told you he’s engaged? Point blank?” Sonia asks
“Yes. He’s gone. ”
“Why the hell are you so calm?” Thandiwe asks. “Shouldn’t you be at his house breaking his windows? Leaving stuff in holes. Burning things?”
“And then?” I ask. “What next? He’s still gonna marry her. I’m still alone.”
“Why didn’t you call us. You didn’t tell us a thing iwe?” Sampa asks
“I needed to be alone then. For a bit. Just to think and accept my life. I needed a drink. But I’m okay now.”
“See why I drink?” Mable says. “That’s some messed up shit babe. You deserve better.”
“I know. And I’m okay. He’s gone. It hit me last weekend but I’m okay for now.” I respond
“To think you left the game because of him. Mami you tried ayi.” Mable says
“Imagine that. Might as well go back.” I respond with a wink.
The ladies keep silent and look at me. They are probably wondering why I am okay. Well I will not cry over that prick of a man. I hate him as it is. But I will be okay. I will survive without him. Who said one dies after a man leaves? We all move on and this will be no exception. I will make it. He can burn in hell.
“Where did you go?” Sonia asks
“Well I got dumped in the restaurant. Literally. So I went to Aphrodite.”
“My gosh Yolanda. You could have called us wei. Really. Ala.” Mable responds.
“I wanted to. I really did but I thought being alone would be the way to go. Besides the night wasn’t all bad. I kissed a man and I kinda liked it.”
Faces of shock and amusement look at me.
“You get dumped and you are already kissing a man. On the same night. Madam you are the one. I live for you.” Mable says happily. “We should toast to that.”
I laugh at Mable. I know she means it.
“Are you okay? What if Mutale comes back?” Sonia asks.
Ahhh Sonia ever the positive one among us. Must be nice being her. Because being me sucks. I just got dumped by a man who got engaged. Mutale has not yet called me to “talk.” Isn’t that what these men always say? Let’s talk so that I can explain what really happened. And by the time he’s done explaining you keep wondering why you ever got involved with the man in the first place. I won’t lie, it hurts. Thinking about him with another woman hurts deep. I loved him. I had plans for us. I gave up my bad ways for him. We had plans and now they are in the trash.
Maybe I’m still in shock. I should be in bed crying over him and yet I’m not. I’m sad yes, I will miss him yes, I still want him yes, and I’m hurt yes. But it’s not enough to cry over. I am a strong lady. Or I’m not crying because of Mr Stranger AKA Mr kiss. The kiss was not all I expected it to be. Boring would be the word to describe it. Not enough power to let me crave a new man’s hands on me. It wasn’t bad but it wasn’t good either. Just hmm bleh. Forgettable. And I didn’t stay long enough to find out his name. What would his name do for me? It’s not like I’ll ever see him again. No. Never. He will be part of together lost of men kissed and forgotten. Besides having to deal with Mutale and getting dumped literally made me feel numb. Gosh Mutale had me bad.
“I doubt the fool is coming back.” Mable says. “Besides what would he say? Baby I’m sorry. I proposed to the wrong woman.”
“Wouldn’t get it past any man to be honest.” Sampa responds.
“Well I do have some of his things at my house.” I laugh.
“I seriously would say he has balls if he comes back to say shit.” Thandiwe responds.
“My gosh Thandiwe mind your tongue. What’s is wrong with you today?” Sonia responds
Thandiwe pouts at Sonia. She’s definitely in the cranky mood.
“Well look. If he comes back for his things I promise to call you guys to finish him off.” I say happily.
“Awesome. Now this mystery man you kissed. Tell us more.” Mable says
“Don’t know him. Don’t want to know him actually. Not interested.” I respond.
“Why did you kiss him then?”
“I was bored.” I respond.
“I swear I will never understand you and your boredom. You had like what five men to yourself before. Why didn’t you call any one of them?” Thandiwe asks
“I gave it all up Thandiwe. That’s what love did to me. And look at what it did now. It threw me out. Men are shit. Sometimes.”
I smile as I say the words. Men are trash and needed. Sometimes. Gosh just because Mutale is gone doesn’t mean I must suffer in sadness forever. Never. I’ll be perfect. I just have to give someone or some bodies a call. See I’m okay.
“I said it.” Thandiwe says.
I ignore Thandiwe and her negativity. I worry about her sometimes. This bitterness has to end some time and soon. For someone so young she definitely has issues with men. I just wish I could help her see she is in a better position than most women out there in Zambia.
“I believe out of all of us Sonia has it easy.” Sampa says. “Miss engaged. How is everything going for you?”
I turn and face Sampa beaming.
“It’s good. It’s amazing. Gosh imwe I love Ian.” I respond.
The ladies smile. They are happy for me I can tell on their faces.
“We know.” Yolanda says
“I think I love him more now.” I respond.
“It’s so sweet he proposed. About time though.” Sampa responds. “At least one good thing came out of that party.”
“I thought it would never happen.” I say
“I told you it would happen. ” Sampa says happily.
“I know. It’s so surreal.” I respond.
“How come you didn’t tell us he took tumbale?” Sampa asks
“Iwe. He hasn’t. He wanted to surprise me with the engagement. Can you imagine he already spoke to my Aunt and Uncle about this. That’s what he said anyway. So hence the surprise.”
“So when does he meet the family?” Sampa asks.
“Yea. When is he going to meet with your family for the lobola negotiations?” Thandiwe asks. “Make it formal.”
“In a few weeks. I won’t wear my ring till he does. I’m so excited I’m thinking that’s why his parents are coming too. He knew he was going to propose.” I say happily
“So no wedding plans?” Sampa asks
“Not yet. I will tell you love. Right now I need to deal with his family coming to Zambia. His family will be coming to finalise stuff and meet my family for the said meetings. Tomorrow is the day by the way.” I say
I am all messed up about his parents coming to Zambia. Gosh I have never seen them in person. This will be our first meeting and I am nervous. Ian laughed at me whenever I asked him questions about what I was supposed to do and not to do. I want his parents to like me, I really do but how can I make them like me if I have no idea about what they are really like. I wish I knew them better but no use making wishes now.
“I am certain they will love you Sonia. You’re like the sweetest little person in the world.” Sampa says
“You think so?” I ask hesitantly
“Yes. They will adore you. Especially your cooking.” Sampa continues
“Ian says we have to go out for dinner. I don’t know though.” I tell her. “Probably for the best. What if I create a sea food meal and they don’t like it. Ian won’t tell me much.” I say
“You will do fine love. I’m certain of it.” Mable says
“Thank you Ladies. Pray for me. Meeting parents is never easy.” I say
I want to scream but I know I can’t. It’s so exciting. I am getting married. I look at my ladies and in that instant I am glad I have them in my life. They will be around to support me through anything. And right now everything is going okay.
“You’re so lucky and blessed to be marrying the man of your dreams.” Thandiwe says.
“You know what Thandiwe I’ve had it up to my neck. Tell us what’s bothering you because you know what you have gone up to my head with your issues. Damn it.” Mable says aloud.
What the hell is her problem. Gosh a bad marriage really makes a good woman crazy. Thank God I am not in one. I wish the ladies could understand my situation. I am in a loveless marriage. On my part, and having to deal with pregnancy is not something I’m keen on. I can’t believe I am still in it. It’s not like I haven’t tried to leave James. I have, but the man is so kind to me. He loves me and that’s what we all want as women. Didn’t my mother tell me to marry a man who loves me more than I love him. A man that will take care of me. Didn’t she say I was better off being happy with a man who was rich than a man who was undecided. What if she was wrong? What if me marrying James was wrong. What if I made a mistake marrying him. And now I’m pregnant with his baby. Gosh. This is a mess I can’t afford to have. Not with the plan I had in mind. What do I do now?
“I swear I have heard it up to here.” Mable continues as she points to her neck.
“Calm down Mable.” Sampa says
“I am calm.” She starts. “But I want to understand you Thandiwe. You have everything you ever need in a man but you are still not happy with him. Does James hit you? Does he insult you? Does he ignore you?”
“No. He does not. Gosh Mable you wouldn’t understand.” I respond
“I am not happy. In my marriage. It’s all wrong.” I say slowly. “Somehow.”
The ladies look at me, Mable takes off her glasses and smirks; Sampa raises her eyebrows; Yolanda shakes her head and Sonia smiles at me, only she would understand.
“What is happening Thandiwe?” Sonia asks
“I am not happy. I have tried Sonia. But I do not think I love my husband. I have tried it all. Everything. But gosh I can’t. And James is just so… so… kind to me through it all.” I respond
“He’s kind?” Mable asks. “And that’s an issue? My gosh Thandiwe. Pass him over to me. I’ll take him. Take Chinyama.”
“Mable. Behave.” Yolanda says. “Now Thandiwe, Mable is taken but I’m alone. I’ll take him.”
“Ladies. For crying out loud.” Sonia says.
“It’s okay Sonia. I know they are joking. But jokes aside, what if I made a mistake marrying James. He loves me so much and I just can’t do it. I feel guilty most days. I feel like he knows.” Thandiwe says
“Are you cheating?” Yolanda asks
“He knows?” Mable asks. “You want to cheat?”
“No. Oh my gosh no.” I tell them.
They seem to relax with my response. James is too nice a man. That’s why I don’t want to hurt him more than I already have. Gosh. How do I tell them what I want to do. They will judge me. They will hate me. I must be the worst wife in the world as of today.
“What is happening then? Is he boring?” Sonia asks. “You’ve only been married for almost a year love. Almost and you’re feeling like this?”
“When am I supposed to feel like this?” I ask
“After five years of marriage mami. Even better ten. Now what’s wrong?” Mable responds
“I just feel like I am in the wrong relationship. I feel lost. I am not happy with him.”
“Maybe it’s your moods hey.” Mable says aloud.
“For crying out loud Mable. Iwe.” Sampa responds
Maybe it’s because we dated for a short time – two months to be exact – before he proposed. It took him two months before he knew I was the one he wanted to spend his life with. Two. Then again he did tell me he knew the moment he met me that I was the one. Who knows that in such a short space of time. I am still deciding if he is the one. And he is set. Love of his life next to him every morning. Maybe I should never have accepted his proposal. I did it because I wanted to show my ex I could move on faster than he could say baby come back and look where it got me. I didn’t mean to go this far. I just wanted to date a good guy for once and not be an option. But somehow I feel I got more than I deserved. I found James or he found me and he made me his. I should feel guilty about the way I treat him. I should feel sad whenever I treat him like trash. James is far from trash. I just wish I could turn the hands of time and not let pride take over me. I lost the love of my life beacuse of pride and found myself here. And pregnant.
“Why aren’t you happy?” Sampa asks. “Is this about Misheck?”
The metion of my ex’s name makes my heart beat faster. Misheck. Sometimes I find myself lost in thought thinking about him. Us. There are moments I think I miss him then there are moments I feel I am better off without him. He’s a closed chapter. Gone. Since my marriage to James. I won’t lie but sometimes when I think about Misheck I get the feeling that maybe I lost something I that would have been truly special. And James, my amazing husband has no clue that I think about my ex sometimes. I still wonder what would have happened had I stayed with him. Gosh my family knew him, they loved him. That’s now integrated in my life he was. He knew my friends. He knew me. And he messed up. We messed up and then I found James; but yet here I am thinking about another man. Have been for some months. And James has been too happy with the marriage to notice. And now he’s too happy with the baby news to notice how distraught I am. Having to find out I was pregnant ruined my whole night. To think a single postitve sign would ruin my night when I had a happy husband by my side was a joke indeed.
“Chi Misheck? It’s about that trash can of a man?” Mable asks. “Oh this is juicy. Thandiwe. You surely are a lost cause. To still love Misheck after he made you a punching bag is something.”
“It’s not about him.” I laugh. “It’s something else.”
“What?” Yolanda asks
“Well.” I start. “I’m pregnant. So maybe it’s because of that.”
The ladies scream out loud at me. Sampa and Sonia get up from their seats and hug me. For a minute I feel happy in their arms. As if everything will be okay.
“Congratulations madam.” Sampa says loudly. “Oh my gosh. This is good news Thandiwe.”
I look at their happy faces and smile with them. If only they knew I thought an abortion was my way out. Gosh. How am I supposed to take care of a baby if I’m not happy with his or her father.
“This is amazing Thandiwe. Oh my I’m sure James is excited.” Yolanda says
“He is. Very excited.” I respond. “It’s his first born so he’s super excited.”
“Gosh it’s your first born too. I am so happy for you. This should get you two closer. I swear having kids brings people closer.” Mable says softly.
Maybe this is what I need. A baby. I don’t even love kids. Gosh. This is a mess.
“How far along are you?” Mable asks.
“Well doctor says I am almost two months and a half. Almost.” I respond.
The ladies look at me, shock registering on their faces.
“Over two months and you didn’t know?” Mable asks.
“Yep. That sad. I had no idea. I swear.” I respond.
“Either way it is amazing news. Amazing. Wow.” Sampa says happily. “And oh my gosh James and you will be super parents.”
“Yeah? You think so?” I ask.
“You don’t?” Mable asks.
“I think I’m just being crazy. I keep thinking, over thinking things . It will be okay. James is amazing. He is an amazing man. I’m lucky to have him.” I tell them.
Mable reaches out her hand and I put my hand in hers. Sometimes she can be a darling.
“Marriage is hard. Look at me. I got married after Chinyama got me pregnant. And well that became trash. But for you James adores you. He thinks the world of you. You two having a baby is a good thing.”
“I do not know if I am ready for the stress.”
“Stress? Pregnancy is a blast.”
“You just love kids Mable. I don’t.”
“Aww my love. I know what you two should do. I think you should take a trip. Chisamba so.”
“Hmmm really now?” I ask her.
“Yes. It will do you good. Remember, James found you at a time when things were so wrong in your life. Misheck was so violent. James got you out of it. He made you a better woman. He loved you and showed you what real love looked like. You are blessed mami. Never forget.”
Mable is right. James did find me at a bad time emotionally. But he made me better. He was always there for me. I liked him then. But then when did it all change. Maybe a trip will be good for us. I should suggest it to James. I should ignore all thoughts of Mischeck and concentrate on my family instead.
“You’re right.” I tell her. “Thank you Mable. A trip should be good for us. I will talk to James about it.”
The ladies smile at me. Mable orders for another glass of wine and I watch her take a sip. I wish I could have a drink. But I am stuck with this pregnancy. This is not for me.
I need my life back.
I can’t do this.