If I told you life starts when you die, would you choose to die? Would you choose to not exist?
I would choose this. The very life I’ve had so far. It’s been interesting; but we never plan ahead for the things we should have taken into account like how meeting one person would change my life for the worst.
I think death is out to get me tonight.
I open my eyes and for a second I think the world is an ugly place. And maybe it is. The ground seems too close and I feel blood rush to my head. A stream of red liquid flows into my eyes and I blink rapidly. It takes a second for me to realise I’m upside down in a car, my head too close to the top.
Am I alive or am I on my way to death? The pain in my head and back is an indication of my being alive. I need to get out of this car right now. Something is not right in my body, I can feel it.
Death is here, how funny, I want to laugh but I can’t, the pain won’t let me be me. I did not think today would be my last day. I didn’t prepare for it. I am not ready to let go of my family and more especially my friends.
It’s all his fault. I wouldn’t be here if I had stayed silent. I should have stayed away from him.
Why did I let myself believe he would be reasonable about everything. What is about love that made me forget what he did.
He is the worst when he’s angry. So why did I get into his car? Why am I upside down in his car?
Upside down. Where?
I wince as I try to turn my head. Where is he? The driver of this damaged car. I bite my lip and will my neck to do what my mind says. It brings tears to my eyes as I slowly turn my neck. This headache is not playing with me. It will be the death of me.
I see him and I breathe a sigh of relief when I notice he is still strapped in his seat, upside down like me. Seat belts do save lives. But something is not right. His face is covered in blood, I can’t tell if he’s breathing or not. My heart starts to race.
What if he’s dead?
What if I’m stuck with a dead man here?
What if he’s already gone and I’m supposed to join him in the after life. No, no, no, no. Shouldn’t I have noticed the Angel of death beside me. Isn’t that what they say about death? A dark angel comes to get those ready to move on? This is not right. I am not ready to move on.
My voice comes out as a whisper. What have I damaged now? I open my mouth and I close my eyes shutting out the pain.
“Hey…” I whisper. “Baby.”
No response from him.
“Don’t… die… on… me.”
I open my eyes and look at him, noticing the way his arms are hanging at a weird angle from his body, his fingers brushing the roof of the upside down car. Dislocated, I think to myself. It’s best he’s out of it then. I don’t think he would be able to handle the pain. I close my eyes and bite my bottom lip as the pain in my back intensifies.
I won’t last much longer but I need to stay awake. For him. I think he would appreciate that. One last thing I can do for him. For us. I hope he’s still alive. He has to be. After everything we have been through he has to survive this. He is someone’s son. Brother. Friend. My lover. He’s something to me. Was something to me. Whether I like it or not, he needs to survive. And so do I. Where is my phone? My phone. I need to call someone. My friends. Where is everyone in Lusaka when something horrible happens? Has no one seen this upside down car? Are people ignoring us? Letting us dying in this car?
I want to live.
God please I want to live.
I still have alot to do.
I swear I’ll be a better person.
I’ll be kinder and nicer.
I’ll be the child you want me to be but please save my life.
Save him too. Please.
I look at his bloody face. Please God save him. Give me a sign that everything will be okay.
I love him. That should mean something.
“Hey…..” I whisper again. “Baby.…… Hey……. Everything… will… be… okay. Stay… with… me.”
Those few words having me feeling weak, all the strength I need to stay awake will lead me to my death if I keep talking. I should be praying for our lives. Nothing more I can do but pray and cry, maybe accept my fate. I notice little dark spots in front of me. No. Not yet. No sleeping. Not going off to the other side. Need to survive I tell myself. Fight death tonight. Till the very end as the dark spots get bigger.
They say before you die your last thoughts are of the things and people that matter the most. Maybe they were right because for me right now, my last thought is of my friends and how I was so blessed to have them in my life.
If I had to be reborn I would want to come back as me.
I close my eyes and let the darkness take over me. Just for a little while. I let it cover me and take over the pain. For now. A little rest will help.
I don’t go in the darkness as memories threaten to overwhelm me. The tears. The smiles. The ugly and the beautiful with everything in between. The past always sneaks up on anyone in need of something.
I feel cold.
Cold. Yes it’s cold.
Stay awake long enough to survive.
The Angel of Death is here. Waiting. Smiling. Watching.
It’s the battle of our lives. And I don’t know if we will make it.
I open my eyes.
I won’t let death win.