Ola!!!! Wanna thank Mwanawafeli and Nkandu for this piece of art. Pure awesomeness. I hope you enjoy the story.
What does guilt look like? More like Noah.
It’s official I am pregnant!!!
Okay I know it was official then but now I have the hospital backing me. I am pregnant – baby growing in me; bun in the oven – and healthy. No infections. I guess Noah has been responsible. I was scared, or maybe worried is the best word. I was worried that maybe, just maybe my husband could have given me something I didn’t want. And when the doctor gave me a clean bill of health I was elated. I was relieved. Gosh I have read stories about how some women had no idea they were sick because their partners kept silent. Noah would tell me I think. He’s a caring man. Or is he? The doctor probably noticed I was anxious for the results. She suggested counselling but I wasn’t having it. Rip the bandaid quickly. She smiled when she saw my reaction after she told me I was healthy. Though she told me control my blood pressure because it was too high – because I was worried about my life and that of my child. The doctor also gave me a schedule of when I should come in for my antenatal checkups and I promised her I would, but not before she prescribed iron and other supplement tablets for me. I left the hospital happy. And when I went back to work I was still happy. I wanted the whole world to know I was pregnant and healthy.
I work through the day and manage to get my work done for the two days I will be off from the office. I deserve the two days off even if it means I will be busy with Gemima’s wedding. It will help keep my mind off things. Besides, it’s the idea of being with my girls that matters the most while I still can. Soon I’ll be too big to move. So I will make the most if it. Laughing and chatting with them while they enjoy their drinks. Being sober will suck major. My phone rings jolting my from my thoughts and I quickly answer the phone.
“I’m outside.” Noah says
“Be right there.”
I cut the line and quickly close my laptop. Time to go I think as I look at the wall clock. I pack my laptop in my case, get up from my desk carrying my handbag as I leave the office. I say goodnight to my colleagues and head out the building to the car park. I see his car as I leave the building and Noah standing in front of the car. I stand still my heart racing when I see the bouquet of red roses in his hands with a huge smile plastered on his face. Well well. This is a shocker. He didn’t stay at the office for a long time I think as I notice his attire – a white golf shirt, beige chinos and brown loafers. He found time to change. He looks dashing. He even found time to go the barber as I see his newly shaven head and chin. Just as I like it. I walk towards him and he kisses my cheek when I get to him, one hand holding the roses while his hands caresses my back.
“You smell nice.” He says
Really. It’s the same scent I had in the morning.
“Hi.” I say. “You’re in a good mood. Still in a good mood actually.”
He smiles at me. His goofy smile that always makes me laugh and has never failed to.
“Well it’s your fault I’m in a good mood.” He says. “After last night woman I want more. So here are roses for my lady.”
He hands me the roses. They are in a beautiful deep shade of red. And their scent is heavenly. I smile at him shyly.
“Thank you Noah. They are beautiful.”
Who the hell gives their wife roses because the night was that good. He walks to my side of the car and opens the door for me and helps me get in the car. He walks round to his side and gets in the car.
“Uhhh… Oh…. We are not going to Muzinga’s today. Gemmy said she will be at her mother’s day so drive there instead.”
“So how was work?” He asks as he starts the car.
“Did you go back home to change?” I ask quickly trying to change the subject.
He reverses from his parking slot and drives towards the gate.
“Yes I did. Left work kinda early.” He responds
“Why? Everything alright?”
Did he go and see plumber. Was that why he shaved?
“It’s all good. I just left work early. Nothing more to it.”
“How early is early? You found the time to get a shave.”
“Uhhh yea. I’m your wife.”
“Early enough to do that and get roses for my wife.”
I see him smile, the smile lights up his face.
“Now tell me. How was your day?” He asks.
“The usual. Though I was only here for a few hours.”
“Hmmm. What happened babe?”
“I went to the hospital.” I tell him
“You okay?” He asks. “Is the baby okay?”
I can hear from his voice he is worried. We have waited so long for this moment, so I understand why he’s worried.
“I am perfect. We are okay. No infections. All tests done. Plus I had the HIV/AIDS test done since it’s mandatory when you’re pregnant.” I respond.
I wait for his response. I look at his face to see if he is worried about the test results or not. But nothing. Instead he looks calm. How odd.
“You should have told me.” He says. “I would have gone with you. For support.”
“Well I would have gone through all the tests with you if you wanted.”
“Even the HIV/AIDS test?”
He laughs then. Is that guilt? He’s guilty. Will he finally open up?
“Sure.. I’m your husband Monde. I would have gotten the test done too.” He says confidently. “We are married. What you have then I probably have it too.”
Was that supposed to be joke. I’m not laughing. I keep silent and look at him. He frowns and glances at me quickly before looking back to the road.
“I’m sorry I said that. Not my best words.” He says. “But you know what I mean.”
“No I don’t.”
“Monde we have been married for a long time. And we’ve been together for longer. If one of us strays which I don’t think can happen, then gets sick then they will most likely spread whatever they have.” He says.
“So my status is your status kind of thing?” I ask
“Exactly!!! Besides the doctor said you’re negative right.”
“Hnmmmm. So you’re negative too?”
“Yes. I only have you baby. Only you. Forever. And besides why would I want to cheat? I already have what I want .”
So he’s saying he’s not cheating? And he says so calmly. Gosh Noah sure does know how to lie. When did he become so good at it. This is a man who would laugh if he lied or not look you in in the eyes. I don’t know if he’s telling the truth or not. Does he know his status already? Does he get checked often? Does he get his Plumber checked too?
Gosh I know how to ruin my own day.
“Tell you what.” He starts. “When you go to the clinic next I will go with you. I’ll get tested.”
“Awwww you’re so sweet.”
“You know I’m here for you babe.” Noah says.
I know you are.
“We are on our way Gemima.” Chibwe says. “Just picking up Salome and we will be there. Soon. Are you okay?”
Am I okay?
I can’t get this feeling of something bad going to happen.
“Yes.” I tell her on the phone. “I’ll see you when you get here.”
“Cool. Later. Love you.”
“Love you too. Bye.”
The end of the call brings silence and thoughts I want to ignore. What the hell is wrong with today? Can it end! Can this bad feeling just go away. I hope everything goes smoothly. I’ve had enough bad luck for the day, for the week too. I take a sip of my wine and look towards the empty land that my mother owns. She should be planting something soon. Knowing her, she will watch over everything but not put her hands into it.
I can’t get over the fact that mum invited dad for my wedding. And I can’t believe she still loves him. It was clear to see. What does she see in him? What the hell happens to us women when we love hard. It’s like we give away our hearts forever and simply live with empty shells while the man you gave the organ to is out there showing off to his friends that he broke another one. That’s what dad did. He left her with a shell of what her heart used to be. Quite sad if you ask me. And to think she still keeps him in her life is shocking.
Who ever thinks their love story will end? Kachiza and I are a testament to that. Did Samantha ever think he would love another more than he loved her? Although in her circumstances he had no choice. Her psycho behaviour made sure of that. But before thought who thought it would end. The two were inseparable. There was no Kachiza without Samantha. But here he is today without her. Now there is no Kachiza without Gemima. But what if he does what my father did? Then what happens? Be like my mother being strong and supportive in every way but the bedroom.
Love sometimes just sucks.
“Thank you for picking me up.” I tell Chibwe as I get into her car.
I really should buy myself a car. I love cars but cars are an expense. High maintenance so to speak. It’s easy to buy one and put in gas but when it comes to paying for damaged parts, servicing etc it’s a hustle. For now the cons outweigh the pros. But then again I’m always inconveniencing the others and it sucks.
“It’s no biggie. ” Chibwe says
She turns her car and drives towards the Pangrea Business Park exit and into Great East Road.
“How’s work?” I ask
“Busy. Busy. Busy. Sucks. But hey I’m still here. How’s it for you? “
“Well work is okay. Apart from being overwhelmed with what’s coming it’s actually okay. You look tired.”
“I’m always tired. Plus I had wine last night. Lots of it.”
“Life and parenting. Enough about my horrors.” She starts. “How is Mukuka? “
I look at her and laugh. That didn’t take long. I know she saw me leave with him lady night. She’s curious.
“You mean Tawanda right?” I ask innocently
“Oh come on. Don’t play with names here. I saw you get in his car last night remember. How did that go?”
“How do you think it went? Exactly how it should have gone.”
“Salome my gosh are you kidding me? Girl you have problems. You need to get serious with this mess you are seemingly enjoying.”
“I am a lost cause. I swear I tried but being so close to him….. Oh my gosh. But I know he wants me to leave Tawanda.”
“So that he can have you all to himself to keep doing you? Or to date you?”
“I don’t know. And doing is a wrong word. Try sexing. But I don’t know.”
“You should know. You two have been at this for too long. Playing games at this age. You’ll need to stop.”
“I agree with you. See why I keep Tawanda around. He’s the serious type of guy. “
“Who you refuse to sleep with. Treating him badly. Poor guy.”
“Feel pity for me instead. I’m the lost victim here. Good D versus Bad D. Good lips versus Bad Lips. Safe vs Exciting. Boring lead into marriage versus exciting stay single for forever. See. Lost victim.”
Chibwe laughs at my statement. Tit for tat.
“You’re making this into a mountain when it’s nothing but an anthill. Follow your heart.” She says
“But carry my mind with me?” I ask
“So they say. Look you need to decide what you want love. It’s all up to you.”
“You’re right. But can I keep enjoying it?”
“I’m weird? Says you? The hot mama with an ex who wants her back.”
“How’s Patrick anyway?”
Might as well ask her about her baby daddy if we are talking about men now.
“Patrick is an ass.”
“A hot ass?” I tease her.
“Exactly. A hot ass. Oh my gosh the man is hot. How am I supposed act serious if he’s attractive. Plus it’s been so long since I got laid. Maybe that’s why. “
“Says the woman who says sex should be replaced with work and the joys of life. What happened to that woman?”
“Well she met an ex who made her remember the way being touched is all about. “
“What have you been sleeping with all this time? It can’t be a who because you making it sound like they were all bad. How many have you had after Patrick?”
“Remember Micheal. The let’s have a baby now that we have been dating for three months?”
“But that was sweet though. He wanted to have a child with you. ” I argue.
“You forgetting he had a baby mama and another woman he got pregnant when he was busy prophesying his intense love for me and our future baby.”
Oh that Micheal. Crazy Micheal we called him.
“He is married by the way. To one of his baby mamas. And she is not one of women he had when he was with me.” Chibwe adds.
“Fine who else? “
“That’s it. I think” She says.
“You think!! So you’re saying you’ve only had one man since Patrick. No wonder you feel like this. You need some action.”
“Not as much action as you’ve had love.”
I laugh at her. There is nothing wrong with a healthy sex life. Absolutely nothing. I love sex alot. It’s a beautiful act. It’s not just about opening up legs, making a few sounds and boom it’s over. Gosh no. It’s about the moment, the touch, the chills and the sensations that overwhelm you. I can’t even describe it right in my head so how can I describe it to Ms One man is enough for sex.
“Plus being a single mother means I can’t sleep out. I have to be home early everyday that means no sleep overs and I can’t bring different men to my house. It will hurt my son. So I’m stuck.”
See why I have no children. They hinder your fun and progress – progress being how fast you can drop your undies when a man looks at you in a particular way.
“Okay. I hear you. What about Patrick?” I say. “He’s single and he’s available. I mean the man wants you to be family. You might as well try him out again.”
“And give the man hope. Hell no.”
“Oh come on. That’s the love of your life. Was anyway. Doubt he would say no. Plus he’s back. He’s single. He’s rich. You have a son together. It would be so easy.”
“Salome. You are weird.”
“It’s not that simple.”
“It actually is. I’m telling you Chibwe just think about it.” I say slowly as I look at her.
I know she will.
What Salome is saying is valid.
Why not Patrick.
I mean I’m not going to date the man. No way. But maybe I make the most out of the situation.
I did date other men after Patrick but the thought of trusting them enough to see my body was another thing. I couldn’t do it and to avoid it I used my son. It was excuses like “Samuel hates it when I’m not home to tuck him in. Samuel is sick tonight, a fever. Samuel says he has an early day tomorrow so I can’t stay. Samuel says he wants me to take him to his grandmother and sleep over.” And the excuses worked like a charm until I met Micheal or crazy Micheal as the ladies call him. He was in his own league of weird meets crazy and sanity lost. At first it was fun. He was fun. He was the sort of man you dated in the dark away from your friends because they wouldn’t understand the fun. The man was also a sweet talker. He told me he loved me within a month of us dating – alarm bells rang. He wanted a baby in three months. And where the others had failed Micheal saw right through me and called me out on it. I liked that he was kinda smart and crazy. So sleeping with him came easy. It wasn’t as good as Patrick but I figured with time I would get to fully enjoy the pleasures of sex. We clicked on an insane level and girls thought I was crazy. I probably was until I found out he was seeing several other women while he was seeing me. Gosh the drama that ensued was enough for me to throw him out of my life forever. No regrets. Simple truth he was cheating. And I didn’t wait for excuses I threw his crap out and moved on. It didn’t hurt. I was happy he was gone and vowed to keep to myself until I found a man worth it.
That still hasn’t happened.
But with Patrick around maybe I could try and just get this out of my system. After all I slept with him before. What could be the worst thing that would happen. Having another child? So? Maybe the fact that he has had other sexual partners after me should worry me. He moved on so I won’t lie to myself and say he stayed celibate. No way. Maybe he even had someone better than me. Obviously. Gosh I’m not the same anymore. Oh well…
But first, I need to get tested. Soon anyway. No sex without getting tested. That should be a rule. HIV/AIDS home test kits to be in each and every household should be another added rule. That would reduce the increase of the disease.
Though how will I go about it? Ask him directly like “Hey, so we’ve slept together before and I was hoping you could show me what I’ve been missing.” I suck at this. I shouldn’t even be thinking about sex. I should be thinking about things that deserve the time. I didn’t call Patrick again but Mum called me when they got home on time after fifteen hours. Of course I wasn’t worried about them. I knew they would make it home eventually. Though Mum managed to add in that Patrick seemed different and more mature and responsible. She also added he looked dashing – as if I didn’t already know that. He probably tried to sweet talk her I believe, if she kept saying all these nice things about him. She should be on my side supporting me instead of telling me how Samuel seemed to be having a good time with his “attentive” father. I just hope he will not be around when I get back because I don’t think I want to see him again. Yet. All in due time.
I drive through Gemima’s family home gate and park my car next to Noah’s car and Salome immediately leaves the car, something about making an important call and I am left with my own thoughts.
I just wish life had a pause button.
I need a break from all this drama.
“I hate you Patrick.” I whisper.
But my heart doesn’t agree with my tongue.
You drove passed me. I know you saw me flash you. I wanted to follow you but I thought better of it lest you’re with your woman and I have to explain what’s going on. By the way you look amazing.
So you’re gonna ignore me forever. You know you can’t do this forever. One way or another you will come back to me. You always do.Talk to me.
I miss you
For fuck sake. Sometimes I feel you enjoy this. A little bit too much. I said it’s over. Get it. I’m done.
When she messes up which she will you will come back to me. We need to talk. Soon. Please. Baby. Talk to me or I cause you problems.
Do your worst….
To be continued…
To my readers:
Till tomorrow… I have a surprise for you!!!! 😄