I’ve had it. You keep ignoring me. This is too much. We planned this didn’t we? Come on.
I’m busy. For crying out loud, I’m with her. What if she asks why I’m on my phone and with who! Calm down. What if she finds out. What if she knows? I left my phone at home. So I just read all your messages.
Liar. You love that gadget too much to leave it. So now I’m second to her? Besides what makes you think she knows. She has no clue. If she did don’t you think she would try to kill you. Breathe.
Please I have to go. I’m busy. Enjoy.
Will you come by later? I would really like to see you.
No. I won’t. You know what maybe it’s time we end this whatever this is.
Now you should calm down love. Fine. Don’t come by. Miss me. Think of me as you “do” her. Kisses.
I feel my ring on my finger, even in the dark I know what it looks like. The blue rock that’s sits on the centre of silver metal. It is beautiful and often I catch myself touching it just to make sure it’s real. Kachiza really outdid himself with the ring. Sitting in the passengers seat looking at trees and lights merge and move out of sight as Kachiza drives us home. We have been silent since we left the party. Not that it’s a bad thing but we can be in our own thoughts about tonight. After the ladies finished their congratulatory speeches we opened the dance floor and I forgot I was angry with Kachiza; I danced with the man and it was amazing. I mean we love to dance so we showed everyone our dance moves as a couple. The ladies joined in too. I had so much fun and I didn’t want to leave and go home. Probably because I wanted to avoid discussing what had happened at the party. I just wanted to keep laughing the night away like nothing happened. But I had to leave at the end of it anyway; and besides the party was on a working day and tomorrow people would have to be at their respective offices so I couldn’t keep them there all night. They needed their rest. So Kachiza and I left after we thanked everyone for coming to celebrate our day with us. And now I’m in the car with him knowing we have to talk about what happened.
All I want is to go to sleep in my bed. I don’t want to talk about anything. I just to be happy about what my ladies did for me. That’s the most important thing. They made the engagement party so much fun. They made it worth remembering. Kachiza drives through my flat gates and parks the car. He leaves the car and opens my door giving me his hand for support.
“Thank you.” I whisper
We walk hand in hand to my flat in awkward silence. I let go of his hand to open the door to my flat and I quickly head to the bedroom while he locks the door. I quickly unzip my dress and let it fall to the ground, grab a towel and my pajamas, wrap the towel around my body and head to the bathroom before he finds me. Maybe we should think about what happened. Apart.
I need a bath.
A bath will solve this.
I do not like long drives home. My mind tends to stray to thoughts that shouldn’t be on my mind.For example work. I get stressed over the tiniest issues like if I used the correct formula in my attempt to fix a mess during the day. But tonight is different, my mind is on bigger issues. I can’t seem to get Patrick off my mind,and the fact that he wants to see me tomorrow freaks me out some more. I’m still worried he wants Samuel to live with him. Because why else would he want to see me? What will I do if he suggests to take Samuel away? Will I be able to fight him? Do I even want to fight him? If there is one thing most people don’t understand, it’s that parenthood teaches one a lot of things but it never teaches you how to deal with baby daddies who wanna act like heroes but yet are jerks with perfect lives and bimbo girlfriends who make the baby mama look like trash. Okay that was harsh even for my standards. But then again if he decides to fight me for Samuel then what? What will it mean for me?I’m the mother. I’m the one who suffered through it all. What does he know about carrying a baby and being alone for months? What does he know about stretch marks and how bio oil doesn’t work? What does he know about staying up all night when the baby cries? What does he know about going to the hospital for any small thing? What does he know about homework and signing books everyday. What does he really know? The man thinks he’s a father just because he takes Samuel abroad to live with his bimbo chick. I hate him for making me feel this way. I need to calm down and think positive. Positive thoughts yield positive actions. On my part yes, can’t be for another person. I’m so angry. But maybe Patrick will shock me. Maybe he just wants to talk about Samuel’s wellbeing. That’s it. And I’m busy insulting the man and acting like a jealous baby mama. Well puke, tears and mud can do this to a woman.
But what if?
No what ifs. I’ll have to wait till tomorrow to know the truth. No more guess working what Patrick wants.
I pray he won’t take him. But why now Patrick? After all this time he wants to talk? After everything he put me through. After the humiliation of being called a cheater; but now he wants to see me. I wish I could avoid him but I can’t. He will make sure he sees me. When Patrick puts his mind to something he makes sure it’s done. Besides it’s not like I can unsee Patrick. No. Samuel looks more like him everyday and sometimes I catch myself staring at my son, feeling all the love I had for his father and the pain I went through as a result of his father. I may have moved on but sometimes a pang of hurt hits me unexpectedly and I feel anger if not hate towards Patrick.
I am a good mother. Nothing can change that. Not even Patrick can change that.
I take the long route home to help me clear my head. And by the time I walk into my house, it’s dark. Everybody is asleep, and I lock up and head straight to Samuel’s room making as little noise as possible knowing my mother is a light sleeper and will wake up if I make any unnecessary noises; I enter his room and sit by his bedside watching him sleep. The child from my womb. How many times have I sat on similar chairs watching him breathe. The countless times I stayed by his bedside when he was sick; when he cried; when he tried to climb out if his crib; when it was time for bedtime. How fast they grow. It feels like just yesterday I held his little hand in mine. When I pushed him into this world.
My little munchkin. I will not let your father take you from me.
“I love you Samuel.” I whisper to him.
I stand up and kiss his cheek. He doesn’t move at all. Sleeps like his father. All through the night. I smile to myself when I think about the times I watched Patrick sleep. The good times. I walk out of the bedroom making sure I leave the door slightly open and head to my bedroom. I need to sleep.
Tomorrow will be a better day. I pray it will be. I need it to be better.
God please help me keep my son I say to myself.
How I wish life was easy.
I kiss a sleeping Suwilanji’s head and tuck her in again. I smile as I leave her bedroom and head to my bedroom. I would love a cup of tea but I have no energy for making tea at this hour. Besides my plan should have worked by now. Noah should be asleep. Ever since we got home from the party I have avoided Noah by keeping myself somewhat busy with checking if everything is in place while Noah went to the bedroom; hopefully to sleep because I didn’t want to chit chat tonight. Or maybe to keep chatting with plumb. Yes. I’ll call her that. I’m not ready to confront him with what I know. Not with my mind and her heart in a mess I have no idea is true or not. When I was done with “putting things in order” I decided to check on Suwilanji – twice – and now I realize there is nothing else to do but to go to bed; the thought of it just makes me cold. I open the door and see Noah is in bed already sleeping on his side of the bed, I also notice the phone is not where I left it anymore, it’s right on the bedside table. Noah loves his phone. He didn’t even ask me about it earlier when he came home. He must have carried it to the engagement party I think. So he obviously managed to respond to his plumber and hide the stupid phone. Men!!! Did he apologise for not getting in touch?
I walk to our walk-in-closet and take my time changing from my dress to a nightie then I go to the bathroom to wash my makeup off. I wash the makeup off slowly while wishing Noah was not in the bed I have to go to. I should have taken a bath I tell myself. I stare at myself in the mirror and I touch my still flat belly.
“Hey little thing. I can’t wait to see you in seven months.” I whisper. “I’ll make sure everything is perfect when you come.”
I walk back to the bedroom to the bed and sit on the edge of the bed. I whisper a silent prayer of strength and protection for my family and lay back on the bed. Oh my I forgot to switch off the light. Now I have to get up and switch it off. Okay maybe after a few minutes. I just want to stare at the ceiling and do nothing.
“Are you sure you’re okay? You’re so quiet. You’ve been so off. Is everything okay?” Noah says
I’m startled at the sound of his voice. He’s still awake? Why?
“I thought you were asleep.” I respond.
He turns and faces me. He has not closed his eyes since we got home. He waited all this time for me. How sweet.
“I was waiting for you.” He responds. “What were you doing? Are you okay?”
I smile at him and he smiles back.
“I’m good. I’m just tired. Enough rest will be good.” I tell him. “I’ll be fine.”
“What’s stressing you? I know you.” He whispers
I look at him and shake my head.
“The Samantha issue. Kachiza is your friend. What the hell happened?” I ask him.
“I swear I’m keeping my hands off that situation. Literally.” He responds.
“Do you think he’s cheating on Gemima?”
“Who. No. I don’t think so. He loves Gemima. He respects her.” He responds.
Like you respect me I think.
“He would never cheat on her. I would know if he did.” He continues.
“Would you tell me?” I ask.
“Of course….” He starts. “Not.” He laughs
Men and their code.
“Monde look. If he’s cheating then we’ll he must know why he’s doing it. And I will talk to him about it. Marriage is a serious thing. If you want to play then stay out of the institution itself.” He says.
Wow. What a sensible thing to say. Hypocritical too.
“You’re right. Anyway, I must switch off the light and get some sleep.” I say slowly
“You stay right there.” He says
He pushes the beddings away and gets up from bed in his gray boxers. He looks amazing, he’s been working out often and I can tell it is paying off, he looks too fit for a man in his thirties; and the craving I had early in the morning comes back in full force. It’s been that long; what I would do for just one round. But no, not with plumber around. The thought of her just puts me off. But I’m allowed to look and enjoy right? After all he is my husband. I watch him switch off the light. He comes back to bed and he pulls me close to him, wrapping his arms around me. He pulls the covers over us slowly as I relax in his arms.
“Today has been the best day.” He whispers. “I don’t know if anything beats today’s events.”
Even forgetting your phone behind I wonder.
“Hmmm.” I respond.
“The engagement party was beautiful. Totally awesome.”
“And we are going to have a baby. I haven’t even told the guys yet.”
“I haven’t told the ladies either. Soon.”
We keep silent, the sound of our breathing piercing the silence.
“I love you Monde. You have made today beautiful. You have made my life beautiful.”
“I love you too Noah.” I whisper.
“Don’t forget to pray.” He whispers.
He holds me close as I feel tears welling up in my eyes.
I will not cry.
I’m stronger than this.
A cheating husband isn’t a death sentence. I’m not the first woman to be cheated on. I won’t be the last. All men cheat. Isn’t that what I was told by my grandmother. Even those crazy ladies said the same.
Then someone tell me why I am not comforted by those words.
Why do I feel as if my heart is breaking.
I deserve to be shot.
Okay maybe beaten then shot.
I am a bad woman.
I do not want to be here at this moment. I want to go home and be alone with a drink thinking about absolutely nothing. Whiskey. But I’m here with Tawanda cuddling, if you can call this cuddling as the man sleeps with his hand on my waist while I lean against the headboard. I literally do not want to lie down. No I prefer sitting and watching time tick away when I’m in a bed I have no interest being in. I should be grateful the man enjoys “cuddling.” But I’m not. Where the hell did I go wrong? I thought I had enough alcohol in my system to let tonight’s events work out smoothly, but sadly there is not enough alcohol I could have taken that would have made me do what I was supposed to do.
I should be shot for doing what I did to Tawanda. I knew he was looking forward to a night of untamed passion, and the promise of it hung in the air as he drove us home; I made sure I got me in the mood, I got him in the mood too; we made out at the party and in his car, at least the alcohol helped with that endeavor; I wanted more of him or maybe it was not him I wanted more of. I’m not really certain. I thought it would continue well off into his house, the passion was real, but as soon as we hit the bed and he started to undress me I just got cold feet. I went off like a light. I couldn’t do it. I don’t know why but I stopped him from going further. I could tell he was devastated with a hard on to prove it; but like the gentleman he was he understood and suggested that maybe another day would be appropriate. And I happily agreed with a fake sad look on my face.
But to be honest who sleeps with two different men within forty-eight hours? Slutty behaviour if you ask me. I heard men know when you’ve been with another. Something about things expanding and feeling different. I don’t know if that’s the truth, but I’m not in the mood to get killed by a man who can’t even give a good kiss let alone a good lay anyway. I’m so evil. I deserve to be shot for doing this. I should be feeling bad but to be honest I don’t. I shouldn’t be with him right now. I know where I should be. But I can’t leave and make that dream a reality.
I look at Tawanda fast asleep, snoring lightly. What is it about him that just makes act the way I do? I lie to him everyday. I’m cheating on him. Was cheating on him I remind myself. I treat him like crap. And he still stays with me. He loves me like crazy. I need to find time and perform an exercise to find out what I want from a future boyfriend or husband. In as much as marriage is not a priority in my life, I know I want to get married one day to a man I want to wake up next to and not have regrets early in the morning whenever I see his face. I look at Tawanda and I try to imagine if he is the man I want to be with in fifty years time as the father of my children.
I smile to myself as my thoughts stray to Mukuka. I always smile when I think about him. The man has my mind in a knot. I wonder if he saw me kissing Tawanda earlier at the party even though I made sure I kissed Tawanda somewhere he wouldn’t see us. But with Mukuka you never know, what with his eyes being on me for most of the night. And that chat we had during dinner. Reminding me of what happened in the morning. I wonder if he really meant it when he said we would end if I slept with Tawanda. I’ve really messed this whole thing up. I need to talk to him. Not tonight. Not while Tawanda is here trying to “cuddle.” Maybe tomorrow. Definitely tomorrow. I know he’s probably angry with me but I know how to calm him down.
I know everything about him.
That’s why I’m his best friend.
Gosh I won’t be sleeping any time soon. I need to watch television.
But now to move Tawanda without him waking up is damn near impossible.
So I’m stuck.
I hate this.
Who the hell invented cuddling? Such a mess.
I leave the bathroom and head to my room and find Kachiza sitting on the edge of the bed.
“You’re still awake?” I ask
He looks up as I head to my wardrobe and hang my towel on the door. I grab my hair net and wear it as I look at him. Our eyes meet. He smiles. The bath was exactly what I needed. I feel so much better. Kachiza watches me as I take off my engagement ring off my finger and place it on my dressing table. I can never sleep with my ring. It’s that special to me.
“Waiting for you.” He answers
I look at him and smile at him. I walk past him and head to the other side of the bed. I need to sleep now. I’m tired. He needs to get into bed.
“You should change. Or maybe you need to bath.” I tell him. “Busy day tomorrow.”
“I’ll change.” He says.
“T-shirt in the wardrobe. Second shelf.” I tell him.
“I know babe. I lived here some nights.”
I don’t know why but his statement makes me smile. I get onto the bed, into the blankets and cover myself, I sit up and beat my pillow in and lay back, facing away from him. The bedroom is silent. Kachiza doesn’t get off the bed and I don’t turn to look at him. Minutes tick by and still no movement. I should sleep.
“I’m sorry Gemima.”
Silence. Ignore. I’m so tired tonight. I don’t have the energy for this. Maybe tomorrow.
“I know I should have told you about Samantha coming. I should have told you I invited her. I’m really sorry.”
I was willing to ignore he did what he did. But hearing his apology I see that he only understands one part of the mess as a problem. What is wrong with men and simple things?
“That’s it?” I ask
“What do you mean?”
“Is that your apology? All of it.”
I sit up and look at him. Men. He looks at me, bewildered. I have to explain everything he did wrong. And why do I have to do it if he believes he did nothing wrong. I take a deep breath calming myself not to start shouting. Shouting won’t help anyone in this case.
“How about adding Gemima I’m sorry I didn’t tell you I was chatting with my crazy ex. Or I’m sorry I met her last night at O’Hagans and didn’t tell you. I believe you had plenty time to tell me all this information.” I say sarcastically. “But you chose to not only embarrass me at my own engagement party but you also chose to keep her there in my presence.”
“What should I have done?”
“How about telling her to leave? Was that going to be so hard a thing to do? You’ve told her to leave before. For crying out loud Kachiza, you’re supposed to tell me these things.”
He looks at me and nods
“I wanted to tell you today. I didn’t find the time with work, moving stuff and then the party. I’m sorry babe.”
“Of course you are. I would like to know how long you’ve been chatting with her but to be honest I don’t care.”
“Gemmy.” He starts but I cut him off.
“You surely can’t expect me to forgive you just like that. I respect you. I wouldn’t do that to you. Are you sure you respect me?”
“C’mon Gemima. You know I do.” He shouts
“You will not shout at me like it’s my fault you invited your ex to our engagement party. What are you getting angry for? This is your fault.” I say.
I see him look down to the floor and nod his head.
“You doing all this without informing me. Embarrassing in front of a woman you hate or so you said. Gosh Kachiza.” I continue.
“I’m sorry. I made a mistake inviting her or going to see her.
That’s it. So easy for him to apologise. What a waste of time. I look at him and our eyes meet. He looks remorseful but come on. I sigh and lay back on the bed.
“Will you forgive me? I don’t want us going to bed angry.” He says
“Goodnight.” I say as I pull the beddings to cover myself.
I turn to face the wall and close my eyes forcing sleep to take over.
“Gemima. Babe. Come on. Talk to me. I know you’re angry.” He says.
I hear the bed creak as he gets up. I hear his footsteps and I open my eyes; I see him come in view to my side of the bed. He sits on the floor, his back against the wall, facing me.
“I’m not moving till you forgive me. You heard what your ladies said. No going to bed angry.”
“Well they said a lot of things.”
“Of course. It wasn’t hard to ignore the words Salome had for Samantha.”
“Well it’s your fault.” I whisper
I bite my lower lip to stop myself from laughing. I will not laugh. Not right now when there is this mess going on. Kachiza then laughs, a deep hearty laugh that has him shedding a tear a two. I can’t help myself but laugh with him.
“I don’t understand why she just didn’t mention Samantha’s name in her speech.” He says between laughs. “She’s funny. I swear.”
We laugh again, when he reaches out into the beddings and grabs my left hand. The laughter dies on my lips when he kisses the spot my ring sat minutes ago.
“I’m marrying you. You. Gemima. You.” He starts. “Granted my ex did some crazy unforgivable shit but she apologized. And maybe I forgave her. And I didn’t want to hold onto that anger anymore. But I’m still marrying you. You’re the love of my life. Don’t let the Samantha crap get to you. I love you and your little temper. Your crazy and good sides combined. You’re angry be angry but I’m still here till you forgive me.”
Our eyes meet and all my feelings of anger go away. I can never stay angry with this man all night. Impossible. I love him too much to ruin a perfect night. And the ladies were right. No going to bed angry. Best advice ever.
“I forgive you.” I whisper. “But you better tell me things.”
“I promise baby.”
He gives me his best smile, stands up, and pushes me to the other side of the bed; he takes off his loafers and belt and gets in bed next to me still dressed; my back to his front, his arms wrap around me and he kisses my neck.
“I told you to change.” I say. “Those clothes will have the worst wrinkles.”
“Who cares about that?” He laughs
“Me!” I respond.
“Well I’m getting married. My wife will clean it and iron all this. So it’s all good.”
“Ahh. Excuse me.” I respond. “You washing that yourself.”
“I love you Gemima.” He says
“I love you too.”
I feel like my normal self again. Happy. I will not let any issue derail me from my plans. Arguing with Kachiza now and not fixing the argument will ruin our days before the wedding. There’s no need to ruin our last days as single people. I’m willing to forgive him so long nothing of this sort happens again. Why make a mountain out of a molehill. The Man isn’t cheating on me with his ex. So why stress about non factors.
He loves me and that’s all that matters.
Whatever Samantha tries to pull I doubt she will manage to get a thing. Kachiza and I are okay.
What’s the worst she can do?
To be continued…