I can’t get that word off my mind. I am a mad black woman.
You wouldn’t guess by looking that I am an angry woman because I look calm; yet, beneath my calm beautiful demeanor is a dangerous not to be played with woman. I hate the fact that people assume once you have a child then you become a dummy to cap things. I am fuming. I should be heading to my office after the morning I’ve had but instead I decide to go to Noah’s work place, to confront him or to kill him I do not know yet, but all I know is I want answers. I deserve answers. Was she the reason he left home early? He’s been leaving home early for a while now. He’s been leaving me in our bed to see her? Was our marriage that boring? Am I that boring now. Gosh, I’m so angry. I should calm down but my anger isn’t going down. It keeps getting worse. After I saw the message I put the phone back where I found it and went to bath, pretending to myself all was well. But let’s be honest. I’m a woman, I could have gone about my shower but I couldn’t stay under the shower while I knew there was a lady out there who he called plumber that was in love with him. I love you too is what she wrote. So he loves her. And me? I knew I had to see him and a killer dark lace skirt and lace top later with my favourite red heels I am now walking into the building his office resides.
I am still shock; I know without a doubt that Noah is a good man. He would never cheat on me but the issue of the plumber weighs heavy on my heart. After six years of marriage, so soon. Why not after twenty years of marriage when he is tired of my body and he has the excuse of saying being with one woman for over a decade is hard. Or he can pull the stretch mark card. Even better he can say childbirth ruined your once tight…. Forget it. What am I to do now? Am I making the right decision by confronting him or do I wait for evening when we are both home? That way I can break my plates on his head. I am absent minded as I walk out of an elevator on his office level. His secretary sees me and she stands up to greet me. I smile at her, giving her my fake I am a strong woman you would never guess my husband is cheating on me smile; I don’t know how I do it. But when it comes to smiles, I am a legend, it is my thing and I know I pull it off well. I look at her hip hugging white dress and her black platform heels and wonder if she is the plumber? Is she the woman telling my husband she loves him? She’s too slim. Or maybe he wants slim. Bones do feed dogs. I whisper an apology to God for my choice of thoughts. But the question still stands, will he leave me for her? Get a hold of yourself Monde I tell myself. Until you catch him just be happy and let nothing stress you out. His secretary informs me he is free to see me and I thank her as I walk towards his office. I don’t need her to escort me just in case I fall to the ground.
“Hold it together Monde.” I whisper to myself. “He’s your husband. You can ask him. He wont get angry.”
I will not cry. No I will not cry. I will not break. I will not flip out. I will breath. Now. Breathe.
“One, two, three, four….. That idiot.” I whisper to myself. “One, two, three, four…”
I will stay calm, I will be strong and be the woman I’ve always been. He will face my wrath in time. I open the door to his office and walk in, I see look up and smile. He stand’s up from behind his desk and walk towards me; tall, dark and handsome, spectacles on his face, dark short hair and a beard on a strong jaw designed to break hearts in his dark blue suit. Mine. My heart melts at the sight of him. As always. On a normal day I would run into his arms and kiss him but in this instant I feel disgust – with a pinch of lust somewhere in my body; the man of my dreams is cheating on me with some woman he calls plumber out there. I close the door and smile at him. My killer smile that speaks volume. But he doesn’t think anything of it as he wraps his arms around me and for a second I forget I am angry and simply relax in his arms, inhaling his scent. Ahhh the scent I have known for years. His hand squeezes my waist and I sigh, these are the hands that touched me every night once, the very that held our daughters hand every day, I know these hands. I know this man. Mine. All mine. My precious.
“Baby. What are you doing here?” He asks as he looks at me. “Are you okay?”
I smile at him, he takes my hand and kisses my hand. Hmmmmm can I get more please I think.
“Yes.” I say a little too loudly. “I came to see you. You left so early that I didn’t get to kiss you or get an early session.”
He smiles at me and kisses my cheek. Ohhh that’s how it’s gonna be now. Cheek kisses? When did cheek kisses become a thing? What happened to thank you for coming and cum back for more. Oh my gosh. I’ve not been paying attention for a while maybe and he figured he could cheat on me with Plumber. Why the hell did he call her plumber. Am I a bad wife?
“I am so sorry. I had a conference call early morning so I had to be here early. Time zones are so bad. And I didn’t want to wake you up. You were tired last night.” He says
Excuses. When has that ever stopped you from touching me? We used to be like bunnies.
“Plus!!” He continues. “I enjoyed watching you sleep. With your mouth open. Drooling.” He laughs as he wraps his arms around me.
I try to wiggle out from from his embrace playfully but he holds on tightly.
“But tell you what! I will make it up to you.” He says happily
He looks down at me and our eyes meet. This is my husband. My mwamuna. My munyamata. I met Noah at UNZA when I was in first year and he was in third year. It was amazing dating a “Masadi” as we called them. And our relationship blossomed even after he graduated. We were in love and it seemed fit that we got married right after I finished University. It was absolutely perfect. A small wedding with our closest friends and family. And along the way Suwilanji came. I look at him, his brown eyes looking at me, waiting for something. A smile maybe. Or more, gosh this is my husband. He is not cheating on me. I can feel it in my bones that he is not cheating on me. I’m being stupid. Then what was the message about. A dog? What am I doing? Admitting defeat that is. Even if he confirms it then what? What will I do? Will I leave him? I love him. Does he love me now? I can’t leave him! There is too much at stake here. Too much to lose. Not with the news I have to give him. He leans down to kiss me and without thought I quickly move my head and his lips end up nowhere. I can’t do this. No way No how. Did he kiss her this morning. Okay I’m confusing myself right now. Focus Monde I think.
“Monde? Are you okay?” He asks.
Now he notices. I look at him and try to pull off the I am perfect thank you for asking smile. He looks at me, he’s worried. Why is he worried? Does he he think that maybe I know the truth. Why hasn’t he asked me about his phone just in case I found it at home. Or maybe he scared of asking just in case it raises flags. I try to smile bright but I fail to do so. Oh my, here we go. I try to hold it in, be strong but instead my tears start to fall.
Where do I even begin from?
Do I tell him I know the truth?
“Monde. Shit. Babe. Are you okay?”
“You need to leave that guy. I swear he is not for you.”
I turn to look at Mukuka, raising my eyebrow in the process. He doesn’t turn to look at me, he concentrates on his driving. But hmmm I cant help but stare at his arms. Hmmm. Gripping that steering wheel so hard. Noo. Back to reality. Mukuka is a careful driver, as always. That’s besides the point. He wants me to end my relationship. Of course he would want me to end it because my relationship is affecting “our relationship.” I ignore him and look ahead, I do not want to argue with him about this issue. I should have gone home by cab but I was late and I needed to get to work on time and Mukuka volunteered to drive to my office instead. So here I am sitting in his car, in last night’s clothes silent. Maybe I should have borrowed a shirt like he suggested.
“I know you heard me. Do not ignore me Salome.”
Ignored. I do not want to think about him or Tawanda. I am already lost as it is deciding if I should be in relationship with a good man or if I should keep sleeping with Mukuka because I love him; and maybe also because I have had a crush on him for as long as I can remember. It should be easy right. Love triumphs all but, a good man who is decided is better than a bad man who wants to play. But Mukuka isn’t all bad, I should know. He’s been my best friend for years. He just isn’t ready for commitment with me at least, but yet he dates bandits when he comes across them. Is it because I opened my legs too fast or maybe I am not wife material. I need to either make him choose me or decide what I will do without him, soon. I look at my phone expecting to see a text message but nothing.
“You’re seriously gonna ignore me?” He says.
“I am not ignoring you Mukuka.” I respond.
“Why aren’t you responding?”
“I swear you act like I owe you a response. Like I date you and I have no choice to respond.”
He brakes his car as we approach the traffic lights and he turns to face me. I will myself not to look at him. Gosh if I do then I’ll probably wish we were at his house trying to start another round of wrinkle the bedsheets.
“Are you kidding me? Answer the question. Why aren’t you responding? ”
“Because you want to keep me single. Tawanda is a good man.”
“Who you are cheating on.” He adds
“Really. So unnecessary. Yes I am cheating on him with my best friend who by the way just loves sex. Nothing more nothing less. A best friend who also knows I have a man. A best find who is helping me cheat.”
His smirk says it all. He likes this. He enjoys pushing me into corners for pleasure or fights.
“Is this about the marriage thing again? You want to get married because you think it’s too late or some shit excuse you always have?”
Low blow. Even from him. I sigh and he looks away from me and drives.
“No. It’s not about being too late Mukuka. I actually like Tawanda. A lot.”
“You have been dating him for six months. And you haven’t even slept with him yet. In those six month’s over four have been with me.”
“Maybe I should then. Sleep with him.” I threaten.
Let’s see how that gets to you I think to myself. Well I guess it’s already getting to him because he keeps silent. Yes. Think about it.
“If you do then we are done. I will not share you.” He says finally.
What the hell? He’s giving me an ultimatum now?
“Mukuka you need to stop this. You knew I was dating Tawanda. What did you expect would happen? That I would sleep with you only?”
“You don’t want to sleep with him. If you did, you would be. And if you wanted us to end you would end us. It wouldn’t be the first time.”
“I know that Kuka. It wouldn’t be the first time and you wouldn’t mind seeing me leave anyway.”
“Well it means I get to watch your bum walk away. I’ll take it.”
“I swear you’re weird.”
He’s right on two counts though. If I wanted to sleep with Tawanda I would. Nothing would stop me. My love for sex rules me to a fault. Don’t get me wrong but let’s be honest sex was made for us to have and utilize to its maximum potential. And I did just that. I “do” just that. Maybe Mukuka thinks I am scared of sleeping with Tawanda because then that would mean my body count is rising – though I don’t care about that – plus since he thinks I am worried about it being too late to get married and all. But what worries me about sex with Tawanda is I’d have to take him seriously and end what I have with Mukuka. I don’t believe in cheating. Cheating via sex. That’s it. I’m weird. Maybe I should end what I have with Mukuka. Like he said it wouldn’t be the first time. We have at this for too long that maybe it’s reached its end. For good. Years, through enough ex boyfriends I would always go back to Mukuka and his warm inviting arms and soft lips to make me feel better. But nothing more came out of it. I watched him date and cheat on his ladies with me. And we continued. We would end and get back. But now Mukuka acts like he wants more from me when he knows he doesn’t or maybe is his heart changing now?
He keeps silent and I look away. When did it get this complicated. I look at my phone and frown, what the hell is taking her so long to respond. I need advice because I can’t make this on my own. I will break in the end.
Tawanda or Mukuka.
Mukuka switches on the radio and the voice of Ciara singing “I bet” comes on.
He has ruined my day. Now all I can think about is him. Patrick has officially ruined my day and possibly my whole week. He does it so well. How dare he. I wish I could slap him right now. Seven years later and he wants to talk about our son? Seven years later he wants to talk to me. He finally noticed I’m a human being that carried his son and that I exist. Seven years ago he didn’t even want to see his own son, not even when I had pushed him out into this world. He didn’t even want the child to be born, he had advocated for an abortion while I adamantly told him I was not aborting our baby. And the result? I got dumped in third year of university and I had to face my family alone. The shame and hurt that plagued my parents still breaks my heart to this day even though they love their grandchild more than life itself. My mother that is. My father at least got to see Samuel before he died and he loved him. For that I was grateful but it still doesn’t change the fact I brought shame to my family. And Patrick made it worse. Patrick avoided all the damage meetings claiming I was lying about the child being his and according to him there would be no payment until we had a DNA test. The audacity of the fool to imply I was a cheater broke my heart even further and so we waited for nine months until our son, no my son was born. And when the DNA test proved he was the father, he refused to accept his child claiming he was not ready; he paid for the damages either way but he never spoke to me after that. Then one day, months after I gave birth the man changed his mind and boom he loved his son more than life itself. I survived the humiliation and I stayed away from him altogether in school and other places we happened to find ourselves together in.
I hated him but just because I hated him didn’t mean I was gonna punish everyone of his relatives. No. I made sure his parents saw their grandchild; I kept the communication lines open so that my son would know his father’s family. For my son I did all this. I was an unselfish mother. But I wasn’t close to Patrick’s family, even up to this day, I stay away from them when I need to until they call to see my son. Patrick’s family keep in touch with my mother most times while I keep them abreast of Samuel’s wellbeing. Even Patrick calls my mother once in a while if he needs to talk to Samuel but never calls me to chat. If he calls me I hand the phone to Samuel. Then again I once blocked his number after he tried to talk to me years ago. But not anymore.
What’s so infuriating is the news bits I hear from his family. I heard from his mother that Patrick was proud of his son, that he was his pride and joy and that his life had changed because of him. I didn’t believe her of course. After all her son was a pig and she didn’t notice all the rotting pork he was made of. Patrick was the devil and everything he put me through proved it. Even when I hoped he would change Patrick still showed me he was the man of the hour.
When Samuel was three years old Patrick left Zambia to go and stay in Swaziland, for work and I heard from his friends that he was happy and he was dating some beautiful lady. Is dating as far as I know. I wished him well because I didn’t care to know anything about what went on in his life. And we managed the crazy schedules that life had dealt us. I kept Samuel during school months, and on holidays Samuel would be with his grand parents or with Patrick in Swaziland and I liked it that way. It worked just fine. It’s only when Samuel comes back with stories about his father that it hits me. That could have been my life.
But now Patrick is coming back to Zambia. For what reason? I didn’t keep Samuel from him. I didn’t keep my son to myself. But what if he wants Samuel to live with him in Swaziland with his bimbo babe. I won’t allow it. Never. He’s my son. He’s the one who wanted the abortion. He’s the one who didn’t want to accept the pregnancy so he should listen to me instead. I pick up my phone from my desk and read the message again.
“I hate this.” I whisper. “I hate you Patrick.”
I can’t lose my son.
He is my life. He’s my everything.
I have three options:
1. Call Juliet and find out about what she thought she saw at O’Hagans but then that would make Juliet suspicious and I know how girls and silly gossip go hand in hand.
2. Call Kachiza and ask him about O’Hagans but then that would cause unnecessary problems between us days before the wedding
3. I could simply ignore the story and assume Juliet didn’t really see Kachiza last night and I will go about my day planning for my wedding
I hate gossip. I hate drama from unimportant humans.
Hey girl. Hope you good. I’m awesome. I am so sorry I didn’t see you last night. You know how it is with stress. Definitely sending you a card. Have an awesome day.
Well that ends that. Besides Juliet is not my closest friend or even in my crew of best friends. She is just a lady I got to know through other friends so I can’t take her word as gospel truth. Most of these women we call friends never have our best interests at heart. I’m sure she means well but who the hell tells a friend who is getting married in five days that she saw her fiancée somewhere with another woman even if she thought it was her friend. I don’t need the drama. I choose to trust my future husband and keep planning my wedding.
I hope she won’t respond. I’m done with that story.
I take a quick bath and dress up. The secret to planning a wedding is to be comfortable, always. Long gone are the pencil skirts and jackets with killer stilettos. Because of my up and down movements I am stuck in jeans, shirts and sneakers. A little ugly before the real day comes never hurt nobody. Then again I have a lot to do. Last things to do before the wedding.
My to do list:
1. Pick up my wedding dress
2. Pick up my dinner dress for tonight’s engagement party
3. Call Kachiza to pick up the boxes from my flat and take them home and tell him to bring more boxes
4. Pack the rest of the stuff in new boxes
5. Visit the church and ensure all will be perfect with the flowers and decorations
6. Call mom to come and pick up my wedding dress from the shop so she goes home with it
7. Ask mom about the guest list
I make a mental note to call the girls and talk to them at lunch about whatever is bothering them today. I don’t want them getting all worried about issues which are probably nothing at the engagement dinner. I need everyone excited and happy tonight. I swear drama never ends. So we are allowed to put it on hold sometimes.
My phone rings as I leave my flat. I see Kachiza’s name flash on the screen and I smile as I answer the call.
“Hey babe.” I say happily
“Hey. You good?”
“Uh huh. How are you?”
“I’m great. Sorry I didn’t call you earlier. Work stuff. Meetings.”
“It’s ok. Just heading out now.”
“Whaaaaa… I was hoping you’d say you’re going to bath. Nudes and all.” He jokes.
“Five days and you’ll be getting nudes everyday.”
“Lets get married today.” He says happily.
“You’re cute. Oh thank goodness you’ve called. Don’t forget to come by and pick up the boxes. And bring more boxes.”
“Cool. Anything else my wife to be.”
“I do hope you have your suit ready for tonight.”
He laughs. He knows I’m perfectionist to the letter T. And he knows us looking good is a big thing to me. We are a team so when I look good he looks good and vice versa.
“No worries there.” He says. “Will you be dressing at my house or should I come to you.”
I smile. Would be fun to have our last make out in my bed as single people. Make out not sex. That, we stopped months ago in preparation of our wedding. Plus it seemed morally right to not indulge in it till we said our vows. It was hard but we made it. Kachiza decided to surprise me weeks ago by telling me he had moved to a bigger house and in as much as I wanted to see it and spend a night I stayed away from temptation. The man is temptation himself. Besides I don’t want to go to his new house till I’m his wife. Official wife.
“Come to my house.” I respond. If only he could see the naughty look on my face.
“I’ll be there at fifteen to take the boxes to my place with some of the guys. Uhhh. I guess you will find me when you come back?”
“Awesome love. Anyway I gotta go. Busy day.”
“Alright. I hope you have an awesome day.”
“You too boo.”
“I love you.”
“Love you more. Bye.”
Should I have asked him about the O’Hagans story? I ask myself as I put my phone back in my bag. Nah. It’s a story. If Kachiza had been there he would have told me. Besides what does he have to hide from me. I can ask him tonight at the dinner in private if it still bothers me. But I know I won’t ask him a thing. I head to car and start the car the moment I sit. Time for another day to start. I start to reverse out of the parking lot when I hear my phone ring. I pick up my phone and see a WhatsApp message.
Gemmy did you know Samantha came back from Australia a week ago? I bumped into her days ago. She says she’s here for a few months.
I swear this girl is getting on my nerves. What’s with the stories? So what if Samantha is back? Is that my problem. Is she trying to ruin my day already? I’m not tolerating this. Mute!!! No more stories from you.
“Ignoring you so that I can breathe.” I whisper as I put the phone away. I’ll read the messages later when I find the time.
Talk about timing. She comes just in time to attend your wedding. I swear some exes just come to make sure the man is off the market and call it closure. Desperation huh?
Anyway she says she’s with someone now and that she’s happy. I don’t know but she did say she would be attending your engagement party tonight. She told me Kachiza invited her. Apparently they have been chatting. I didn’t believe her of course.
I’m sure you will see her tonight if she was telling the truth. She said she’s looking forward to seeing you. Drama with a capital D. She says she has to congratulate you in person. Anyway I’ll call you later love. I’ll see you tonight hopefully. Dress to kill bride. Xoxo. Plus you have to tell where you got that gold dress from. Kisses.
3 missed calls:
Babe you’re probably busy. I forgot to tell you something. Call me when you find time. I love you.
To: Baby – Hey Boo. I hope you’re good. Miss you loads. I can’t wait to see you soon. This is a sign. Everything happens for a reason. I guess we are just meant to be together. And don’t worry. My mouth is shut. Our secret is safe. I love you.