I feel his presence before he touches me. His hand pushes my hair away before I feel his lips on my neck.
“What time is it?” I ask as I yawn.
“Zero-Two.” He answers as his hand finds it’s way to my back.
Aren’t you tired?
“You are late.” I say
“Are you angry?”
He kisses my neck and laughs.
“You know you refused to go out with me. I asked you and you said no.” He says
I roll my eyes grateful for the fact that he is behind me. Does everything have to revolve on going out? Why can’t people stay home often and watch television or read a book or write? Does it always have to be about alcohol? And besides he knows why I don’t go out with him. He always wants to make things difficult.
I shrug, “You know I was tired. I had a busy day. And drinking in a club or pub is something I did not want to do.”
His hand, on my waist inches upwards.
“You didn’t want to join me and my friends.” He whispers
“Exactly.” I actually agree with him.
“I just didn’t want to hang out with a bunch of guys.”
“Those bunch of guys are also your friends you know.”
“Uh huh. Some of them. Some. The others are yours.”
“You are acting difficult. You know I wanted to spend time with you.”
“Okay. You seem to have forgotten what we are. Firstly. I’m not your girlfriend. I am your best friend. There is a difference. I don’t have to go anywhere with you. Secondly, some of your friends are judgmental. How were you going to introduce me? Hey.. Guys.. This is Thandiwe. My best friend or current bed mate? Thirdly, we have a contract. We exist in the bedroom and not out of it. We have rules for this.”
“So? All I am saying is have a drink with me some time even if we are with our friends so what?”
“Our friends don’t need to know what we are doing.”
“Who says they will find out. This is our best kept secret.”
“One day they will find out.”
“Come on. Stop over thinking this. Hang out with me if even if we are heading to the dame bed.”
I should be happy right? That he wants to actually drink with me in public when in the end there is a promise of moans and sweat but no; I have no time to explain to our friends this predicament we are in. If I was not heading to his bed after the drinks I would so hang out with him and our friends including my girls. And besides why the hell would I want to hang out with him and his guys only, after all men judge; who knows what he has told his friends about me. I am trying to avoid those weird looks men give a woman when they know their friend is “hitting it”; that all knowing smirk and hidden smiles while they “check you out” and comment with their smiles. Pathetic but hell no.
“I swear you are over thinking this. I haven’t told the guys about us and you haven’t told the girls about us either so seriously I doubt they would guess it out unless one of us slips. Then again would bad if they found out.” He asks
Why is having a contract so hard sometimes. I got into this because I did not want to wake up one, thirty five years old and have a total of fifteen plus men for a body count. No. I got into this so that I could have one person to give me what I wanted when I wanted and how I wanted it. The funny thing about such arrangements is that people always warn you to avoid them because of the emotions that always seem to creep in when you least expect them; and you know what’s funnier, how we lie to ourselves and say “I will be strong one and not fall.” Load of crap if I must say, someone always falls, always and the solution?
1. To avoid getting to know the person altogether like don’t talk about family and any other thing that will make you want to give your opinion. Get what you want and go back home.
2. Never break the rules of the contract. Period.
“Look, I am your For-Now-Bed-Mate-Secret. Why tell our friends the secret? I don’t want them to know that I am busy opening my legs for anyone. Try and understand this. All we have is sex and we pretend to the world that we are friends nothing more nothing less.”
He stops kissing me and moves his hand away.
“You sure do know how to ruin a great moment.”
Me and my big mouth. I hear him sigh and he moves away. He’s hurt. Why does he have to act like a female? Why is he acting like we are in a relationship when clearly we are not? He knows we have separate lives that don’t need complications if this ends; when this ends. When. If I had acted clingy now and demanded that he take me out there would have been hell to pay. Hypocritical if you ask me. The last time we met we had argued about how I was in his business most of the time, acting angry just because he ignored me in public while he flirted with some woman in the club and I chose to separate myself from that. I don’t need the drama and hurt. Hurt? I was hurt. See what I mean by emotions interfering? This is why the rules are important. The rules exist to keep us in line sort of like boundaries and once crossed you end the contract. Then again I’m breaking a rule by waiting for him in his bed. In his house. Wearing his T-shirt. Maybe I should leave but I bury the thought. Gotta apologise I think as I turn around to face him.
Sulking dark skinned, black short haired brown eyed man; cute in his own way especially when he smiles and I see his chipped tooth and his dimples are on full display. Reminds of a song with the line “His smile could light up New York City after dark.” In my case it’s Lusaka. I must admit, what he lacks in handsomeness, he makes up for it in the bedroom. Probably the reason why I have kept this contract running for this long and getting hurt when I see another woman flirting with him.
“I am sorry. I am cranky today.” I say slowly. “I had a bad day. And I didn’t think you would want to go out tonight. You caught me off guard with that. We don’t go out. Ever. You made up that rule remember? I thought you would want to stay in and do the needful. And then I would leave. Go home and rest.”
“Well, I wanted to try something different that’s why I invited you to sleep over.” He answers.
“Which we never do. I never sleep over. You know that. I know that. You are changing the terms of our contract.”
He looks at me, really looks at me as if he is deciding his answer. I touch his cheek and wait. I hope it works because I am not in the mood to apologise all night when he knows I am right. Then his hand reaches out for me, grabs my waist and pulls me closer to him, face to face.
“You are weird.” He says
“You like weird.” I answer with a smile
“You are crazy and psycho.”
“You like sleeping with crazy and psycho.”
“But I need your chi bum so I’m not gonna stay angry with you.”
“Forgiven?” I ask
He nods. Thank God.
“We should try going out for drinks one day.”
“No. Just you and me.”
I laugh. Is being serious? Or maybe he’s drunk. Yes that must be it. He’s drunk. Never believe what FWBs say when they are drunk.
“Dude you are drunk. Tell me this tomorrow morning and I will think about it.”
“Deal. Sleep or……… that thing?” He raises his eyebrow
“Kiss me already.”
He wastes no time in doing just that.
I open my eyes to bright sunlight streaming through the curtains. It’s morning already? Gosh I am tired. The short night was long. That man can work. Talk about my body longing for more sleep but I know I need to leave soon. I turn to look at his side of the bed and he’s not there.
Reality check 1. Clean up.
I quickly make the bed. Once done, I grab his towel and head to the bathroom. I take my time bathing, letting the hot water wash away all scent of him. I must admit it gets harder every time I do this. I find him in sitting at the edge of the bed when I walk in from the bathroom. He looks refreshed, smart, alert and ready to face the day in his dark blue suit, pink shirt and blue tie.
“Morning.” He says
“Good Morning. I see you are ready.”
“Yeah. Business meeting. Totally unexpected. Wish I could stay in.”
“Don’t worry. I’ll be done soon and out of your house in no time.”
“Take your time. I am not kicking you out. Besides I made breakfast. I might as well feed you after our …… Are you hungry?”
His phone rings, he looks at it then looks at me. He stands up and walks out of the bedroom as he answers the phone.
“Good Morning. Yes I am up and dressed. Whats up?….. Nah I’m free. Not busy at all….”
Reality Check 2. Reality comes first. Beds later.
I quickly style my hair; wear my white skinny jeans and white t-shirt with pumps. I need to leave as soon as possible. I am sure he was being courteous by making me breakfast and I know he wants to leave soon. Why did I even sleep over? I usually leave when we are done with the night activity. What made me sleep over? Why did I break the rule? I always leave in the middle of the night because I don’t want to deal with reality in the morning. Reality is the man has a life, and he prefers to lie to his friends about me just like he said he would. He doesn’t want the world to know I was in his bed. I pick up my handbag and head out of his bedroom. I find him in the kitchen laughing at something his caller on the phone says to him. He sees me and he mouths “wait for me.. breakfast.” Or I think that’s what he says. I contemplate staying but that would be changing the contract again and then emotions get involved. No. I simply wave and mouth “bye”and head to the front door. I walk to my car, throw my bag in the back seat, get in the car, start the freaking metal and quickly drive off before he catches up with me and convinces me to stay for breakfast. As I drive into the main road I realise I am causing myself more harm than good from this “friends with benefits” relationship.
For the first time I wish he knew how much I loved him. I wish he knew I was in love with him. I wish he knew I was fighting my emotions each time I saw him. That I broken the most important rule of the contract.
I need to end the contract. It’s the right thing to do or it will get messy.
Besides I know I missed my periods. Now I need to think about the possibility of…………. Ignore it till you prove it I tell myself. No need for added stress.
Life and emotions are such a mess together.
Reality check 3. You might think you are strong enough to handle the pressure but really you are not.
I am so blocking his ass today.
Men and women simply cannot be best friends. Sleeping with your best friend is some dangerous unnecessary shit.