My brain is sending signals but my body won’t listen. Maybe if I use my heart I could still salvage the situation. Don’t they say once the heart makes a decision it’s final? But the stupid organ is in this for the result. Abort mission. Abort mission. But my body is numb. Stuck on the same spot. How did it get to this? What kind of a person am I?
Let’s rewind this. Back to the beginning.
I got a call from my best friend Towela. This lady and I have been inseparable since our UNZA days. Our friendship is one that those magazines say will last a lifetime. So my girl calls me and asks me to do her the biggest favour ever. I’m nice like that. I do things for my friends even the crazy shit. But not psycho shit. But this favour was one I didn’t want to. What was it?
I quote ” You have to go and see Kasamwa. He’s not picking up my calls. I want to talk to him but he’s not hearing it. I’ve sent him messages but he’s not responding. It’s been two weeks and nothing. I know he’s around but he’s ignoring me. Please. He will listen to you because he likes you.” End quote
I’m really against putting my nose in other people’s relationship problems. I’m so against it. It’s my motto and policy to stay far away and mind my own business for my peace of mind and friendships.
But you know girls are psycho when it comes to relationships. But my girl pushed me into a corner. She brought in our friendship and how she trusted me. I couldn’t say no. I thought she would change her mind with time but gosh the lady was adamant about me going there the coming weekend.
So Saturday afternoon I found myself driving to his house instead of being at home with a good novel. Noooo. My life was too boring I guess. Besides if I help a friend get her man back that’s a good thing right? A point in my favour.
So I get to Kasamwa’s house in Jesmodine. I figured a surprise visit would put him out of his element to make him honest. Then again Kasamwa was always an open book to the core. It’s what made him a nice person.
Honest, twenty-nine year old Kasamwa was tall, dark but not the look back twice get your attention kind of guy. But what Kasamwa lacked in handsomeness he made up for it in being a happy intelligent funny guy.
Towela and Kasamwa had met at UNZA during their fourth year and they were the ultimate couple. They looked beautiful together. Towela with her diva personality inside out and Kasamwa with his calm humble personality just seemed to create an explosive dynamic couple.
But after UNZA things seemed to take a dive into the worst pot holed Lane. The dynamic couple facade started to crack. Bit by bit. I guess when school life ends and reality starts all fairytales come to end too. But Towela was determined to make it work. Three years down the drain wasn’t going to be on her CV. She got what she wanted every time. And she wanted him so she kept him.
But somewhere along the pot holed Lane, the crack went so deep spirit, cement and salt couldn’t save it. They went off on a break and I figured they would be okay in they end. But some how only Kasamwa seemed to transition through their break well while Towela lost it and started stalking him. And as a good friend I stayed by her side and minded my own business not asking a thing. Waiting for the day she would be truly be open with me.
The reasons where weird and vague. But I believed her. Come on she’s my best friend. I love her and trust her. So if she said she thought I could help then my help I would provide.
So there I was watching Kasamwa open the gate for me. Don’t get me wrong. He might not be handsome but somehow he made your eyes turn to see him for who he was. And my eyes couldn’t help themselves. They turned. Watching him in his dark blue jeans, white t-shirt and slippers.
When I parked my car and went to greet him it was as if the argument between him and Towela didn’t exist. He hugged me like he always did. All warm and tight. It was like we were still cool but then again the argument was between the two of them not me and him. My friendship with him wasn’t affected somehow. And on the other hand I was on Towela’s side like all the time I had to pick a side.
He invited me into his home. Working as a stock broker had paid off for Kasamwa. He was living large. No wonder Towela was unable to let go. All this could be hers if he married her. Anyway I was only here to support them like the nice person I was. So friendship. Yes.
Kasamwa offered me juice and I gladly accepted and we sat down in the living room. He knew I wasn’t one for small crap talk like the sun looks bright when we all know the sun is always bright and hot. Pathetic. I don’t believe in wasting time and beating about the bush. I’m the take a tractor and cut the bush out, burn the grass and plant something. Sorry this might cause a lot of global warming in my life.
“Okay Kasamwa. You know I don’t like complicating things. I’ll get right into it.” I said. “Towela is distraught. She says you are not picking up her calls. Not responding to her messages.”
Silence. He smiled at me instead.
“You two have to discuss the mess and talk it out. Why should you both be holding on strings when you can make it work. Come on let’s not be childish. I understand Towela is childish most times but you are the mature one.”
“What do you mean?” He asked
“Didn’t you tell her you wanted a break. Some space. Don’t you think it’s been long enough. Breaks cause breaks ups you know. She loves you and you love her. Go and see her. Call her back. ”
He laughed then.
“Thando.” He starts. He always called me Tando. He was the only one that called me Tando. He once told me it made me look approachable. Whatever that meant. I am approachable. I said I’m nice. Very nice.
That’s besides the point.
“What did Towela tell you?”
“Tell me? About what?”
“Why we are on this break?” He said. Emphasising on the work with his hands. Break.
Towela had mentioned something about him being not being available. About always being busy and never making time for her even when she she made time. About how she thought he was cheating. But of course I didn’t tell him that.
“She was vague about it. Just the make time part was uttered really. And you know me I don’t ask questions.”
“Yes. You who shies away from involving yourself in ones drama. You should learn to ask questions. It saves a lot of problems.”
I laughed. I had made my motto clear to everyone. Don’t involve me in your drama. I don’t want to know. I wanted silence and peace.
“Look. She’s your friend. She’s my ……..” He trails off as he thinks of a word. He then keeps quiet as he looks at me. He looks frustrated and angry.
It was that bad. What the hell happened then? But I didn’t ask. These relationships are so complicated. This was why I stayed single. See this.
“Kasamwa talk to me.” I pleaded.
“She’s your friend. We are going through our drama. And maybe it will be sorted. Maybe it won’t. But I told her I needed space because she doesn’t get it and she pulls off a stunt. Childish .You know I work long hours and I’m always travelling. I have a job and that job takes care of all this. I need to work hard now and build a life that way I can finally settle down.”
Okay. That was noble of him. Too noble.
“But Towela is difficult. If she doesn’t get her way she finds a way to hurt you. And she went overboard. I don’t know if I want get her back.”
What the hell had she done then? I had wondered alright. Gosh she had been hiding things from me then. Should I have asked? Nope. I ignored it.
“I didn’t know it was that bad. But you know you love her. She loves you. Nothing should be that bad to keep you two apart.”
“Well if catching your girlfriend flirting with another man and making dates with him is not that bad then I don’t know. You know, I didn’t mind the flirting and making dates because I knew I was…. am a busy man and she loved…. loves attention. But sleeping with him is another ball game. One man is one man. But two is wrong.”
What the hell. I freeze. Sleeping with another man? Towela? Was he sure? She wouldn’t cheat on Kasamwa. She loved him. He was her number one. Maybe he had heard a rumour.
“Are you sure? Rumours are crap.”
He suddenly laughed.
“Oh. The faith you have in your friend. She didn’t tell you did she? I confronted her about this and she admitted the truth. I told her I wanted a break. She said stuff. I said stuff. She tried manipulation. If you love me you will forgive me or we are done.. I said no. She ended it. I didn’t end it. Women are soooo complicated. Lies everyday.”
I looked at him shocked. Probably was evident on my face. She had lied to me. See why I avoided silly drama. Hearing one side of a story was always bad. Imagine if I wasn’t his friend, I would have hated him based on her side of the story. This was complicated. There was no help for this one. None. I was against cheaters.
But she was my friend and I know she was genuinely sad without him. I felt guilty. I figured I would still help her though I didn’t support the crap she pulled.
“Well…” I started. “You are right. It’s another thing all together but come on. Love…. Love. It fixes everything. Three years. You gonna let that go in flames?”
Not even I believed that foolish sentence. But hey it’s was for someone else. He sat quietly as if contemplating his answer.
“Forgiveness is golden.” I added
More like stupidity. I wouldn’t in my life go back. Ahhh. Poor him. Poor me for being here too.
“I will think about it. But I think our relationship has taken its toll. And we can’t work. I don’t even know if I still love her. It’s complicated.”
Wow. I wish I had stayed home. Wish I hadn’t listened to her.
“Are you hungry?” He asked. “I don’t want to talk about your friend anymore.”
I shook my head. I didn’t want food. I just needed to get this done and go home. Maybe I needed to leave.
“Remember the UNZA days? Random weekend drink ups?” He asked.
I nodded. He stood up and headed to the kitchen and came back with a bottle of wine.
“I have red wine. I know how much you love red wine. I got five bottles last week when I got back. Randomness. You feel like being random?”
Definitely. Awwww. I loved wine like crazy. Especially the rose. This was definitely better than staying home with a book. He got glasses and sat down next to me. It was just a drink right. What harm could it do. Besides I did my best. He said he would think about it. I should see the wine as a reward. Yes. I did just that.
Kasamwa is an amazing conversationalist. He literally takes you into his stories. So I was not shocked one glass became two glasses and two glasses became one bottle; One bottle became two then three; going into four. Day turned into night. We were laughing and talking. Definitely a better day that I had decided to see him. That’s the friendship we had.
So you’ve caught up with the story. You see I’m nice right. Awesome buddy. I need friends like me I think.
You see I was being a friend.
So tell me why I am making out with this guy right now on his bed? Tell me how it got to this. Oh wait. When we were talking and he kissed me from nowhere. Okay not nowhere maybe from the fact that we were flirting and chatting about me and my boring singlehood and my staying away from men and beds and lips and how I was craving for just a simple kiss. He suggested to be the host. I had declined but wanted to. And he came in close and kissed me anyway. And from the sofa we somehow took it to the bedroom. On his bed.
I should have stopped him. Stopped myself. So why am I letting him touch me in places I let no other man touch me? Why am I letting him hold my face while his kisses assault my lips? Shouldn’t I be saying no stop. Or stopping all this together. He’s my friends boyfriend. Ex is what he said is true. I need to stop…
“Wait.” I say when I pull away from him. “Towela is my friend. Your girlfriend.”
I need to get off this bed. It’s late.
“Ex…” He says. Emphasis on ex people. But this doesn’t make this better. “She dumped me.”
Does that matter?
“We should stop.” I say as he kisses my neck.
I need to get off this bed right now. Gosh. I might end up staying the night and regretting tomorrow.
“Because I was sent to help her get you back. Towela my bestie sent me to help her to get you back. To make you talk to her.”
“What if I don’t want her back?” He kisses me then and gosh I want to fall. I want to feel the love. The tender hands of a man. On my body. Just for one night.
Has it been that long for me. Dry spells so long I’m willing to ruin my own friendships. How will I tell her I kissed her prince charming. She doesn’t deserve him though. But she’s hurting and so is he. And he’s using you.
“What if you do and you just hurt and just want to hurt her through me?” I ask
“What if I’ve always liked you. What if while I was dating her all I could think about was you.”
“What if that’s lie.”
“What if I’m in love with you instead.”
I would have known. I would have seen the truth. I look at him and for a second my heart races. What if…. But I don’t want to know. I need to. I don’t want to hope. I want to be happy but not like this. With my friend’s man. My best friend for that matter. But what if he really loves me. What if…..
“No. If you loved me you would have shown me.” I say
“I can show you now.”
Hmmmm. No. Not right.
“You need Towela. I’m not her.”
“You are a beautiful woman. You are kind. For as long as I’ve known you I’ve seen you be kind and nice to everyone. You take my breath away. I know I dated your friend. But please give me a chance.”
“And my friendship with Towela?”
Yes. That. I want to know his thoughts on this. She is still my friend. How would she feel if she found out. She would die. She would kill me. I would be the worst friend ever. Dudes and exes your friend liked are always off the table. No way. I need to go home. Drunk and all. Don’t care. Tipsy.
“I’m not going back to her..”
“Well I’m not dating you either or sleeping with you or accepting your advances.”
“Come on. I know you want me as much as I want you. You might love me too.”
Ahh no. I don’t think so. I need to come clean.
“I’ll have to tell her what happened here. She will kill me but I’ll be honest.”
He keeps silent. I get off the bed and stand. I need air. I need to leave.
“I need to go. Now.”
He stands up and looks at me. His eyes on me. He looks so handsome. If he never dated her. If he could only give it to me and wait. He comes in close and kisses me. Gosh he will do anything to make me stay. Maybe just for a minute. Maybe just for now. Let me cherish this moment. Let me be happy and indulge in this evil. Gosh why are his lips so perfect.
Towela loves him. He loves me. I love them both. I’m evil. He’s evil. Towela is evil for cheating. Such an ugly moment. I’ll lose him. I’ll lose her. I hate this. I’m losing two important people.
I push him away and walk away to the living room. The empty bottles on the floor but I simply get my phones which I do not check for unread mesages or missed calls. I cant face the world. He walks in the livingroom and waits for me to get my stuff. I don’t even look at him. He escorts me outside. I ignore him. I just need to leave or I will stay here all night in his arms not give a care about my friendship. He opens the gate and I drive out without saying a word.
The drive home is long. But I eventually get there. I can’t call Towela till I’m in my right state of mind. I’m freaking out. I’m scared. She will be angry. But I have to tell her the truth. She deserves it. I’m her friend. In the morning I decide. I pray before I sleep and tonight the request is different. I pray that my morning will be good. That I am forgiven for ruining a friendship. For being a bad friend. I pray it all works out in the end.
I wake up to the sound of my phone ringing. I reach out for it and see Towela’s name on the my screen flashing. I want to pick up but I let it ring. I can’t face her yet. I’ll have a mini panic attack at this rate. I have to tell her. My phone rings again and I see Kasamwa’s name on my screen. Why is he calling me? Should I pick up? Or should I ignore. I decide to ignore him and watch the phone ring.
I stay in bed for an hour thinking. Building up my guts to make the dreaded call. My phone rings and I look at it. I see messages unread.
Towela: Omg what did you do. What a best friend you are. You seriously did that. I can’t believe it. Let’s talk.
Omg he told her. Omg. What do I say now. I’m so dead.
Me: I can explain. We need of talk.
Towela: We definitely need to talk.
Wow. Is she angry? Is she ok? She is still responding. Shouldn’t she block me?
Me: I can call you in a few hours. I can explain
Push it to another time when I can explain. Right now isn’t it.
Towela: Too late. Anyway I wanted you to know you are an awesome friend. Omg. Kasamwa called me. He told me you saw him and convinced him to see the light. He said he wants to talk about us and make us work. Omg can you belive it.
What. What the hell? What? He did what? Why do I feel shame? Why do I feel anger? Why did he do this? What the hell is wrong with him? Why? Why? Why? I was kissing him last night. Did he care? Did he mean what he said? Or was I imagining it all. Alcohol and stuff.
Me: Awww that’s awesome. I’m happy for you.
Towela: I don’t know how I’ll ever thank you. I’m in love. I can’t believe he wants to talk Noluthando. I’m so happy. So I’m going to his house to see him. Like old times hey. Who knows.
Sure. Go to his house. Kiss him and make up.
Me: I’m happy. Do enjoy. Gotta go. Later love.
Towela: I’ll tell you everything he says. You are the bestest ever.
Sure. I’m your best friend right. I deserve to know what he says. Sure. You deserve him. He deserves you too. I don’t respond. I don’t want to know a thing. Why even bother? I can’t tell her a thing now. She will think I’m some jealous friend. Then she will hate me for it while the guy gets away with it. The usual with females. What a mess.
My phone rings again. What now? More messages. Why Towela. I already said bye. It’s not from her.
Kasamwa: Hey. I wanted you to know I heard what you said yesterday and you were right. I should forgive her. And maybe I will. Who knows. I will talk to her. And I didn’t want you to end your friendship because I was an ass. I kissed you. I wanted to. I know what I did was wrong. And you wanted to take the blame for it. I won’t allow it. I couldn’t let you.”
So you did this for me? What an ass. Wait he already knows that.
Kasamwa: I also wanted you to know I meant everything I said. I’m in love with you. I love you. You are my favourite person. You are an amazing person. You make me laugh. You make me smile. Gosh I can’t explain it. I’ll behave and stay away. If you felt like I used you know that it was not my intention. I didn’t use you. I wanted you. But I can’t have you. I’m so in love with you. I always was. I always will. Goodbye Noluthando.