Love is complicated. I swear it is. Sometimes it’s funny and breathless with a touch of bad days. Either way complicated. Then again love is the emotion and we humans are the complicated ones. Or rather our free willed hearts are the complication. How can I explain this?
Its like I am heading to a certain destination, but the bus I want is unavailable but the second best bus is ready and waiting for me, the first, last and only passenger and I still wait hoping the safest bus comes to get me but it never shows. But I am heading to the same destination for crying out loud. Difficult hey. See complicated.
Any female who is 31 and above, Zambian and single will understand my plight. It’s hard to be single and it’s also hard to settle for anyone. Jim or Jack. No please. I want me a Neymar. Okay I’m being over zealous.
Maybe I’m just difficult like most of my married friends say. Make the most out of your relationship. You can’t have perfect. You are busy searching for the impossible. You just like being unhappy. You are too difficult. How many reasons can I get?
I’m starting to believe I am all that they say I am, because really this time I’ve pushed the boundaries of my newest relationship. I believe I’m losing it. Singlehood!! I don’t need you but why are you still walking alongside me?
I had a plan. A well laid out plan. Meet a good guy. Date a good guy. Be happy with a good guy. Get married to a good guy. Have kids with a good guy. Get old with a good guy. Here is how I’ve done so far:
Meet a good guy: check
Date a good guy: check
Be Happy with a good guy: getting there
Get married to a good guy: hoping to get there
Have kids with a good guy: x
Get old with a good guy: x
I look at Mr Good Guy. He’s standing by the stove cooking mince and spaghetti as lunch on a lazy hot Saturday. Yes he’s cooking. I’m standing leaning against the sink staring at him; I can tell he’s concentrating on the task at hand which is making our meal delicious. Nice or no?
I smile to myself at the thought of me wrapping my arms around his waist. Sometimes I believe the movies ruined me. Love so perfect. Love so true. I wish it could be like that but I know it won’t. Why?
Because the thought does not involve the man in front of me but another. Another I have not yet met. Here I go again. Daydreaming about Mr Right. The elusive one right. The one who understands me inside out. Don’t go judging me yet. I feel bad. But why can’t it be him? The man who makes me spaghetti because he loves me.
“Because you don’t feel like he’s the one worth waiting for” my heart whispers. Shut it I tell myself. I should be in love. Four months with him and I still feel like he’s a stranger. Gosh I feel I’m a stranger in this relationship.
Like I don’t know myself anymore. Who am I? Am I happy me or quiet and obey me? Do I love pain? Why can’t I just be with him? Why do I feel I need more from a relationship? Is marriage everything? Can I stay single? Will being with him solve my fear of being alone? So many questions with no answers. I’m so lost.
I look at him and notice he’s looking at me.
“Hmmm.” I respond.
“I was saying how about we take a trip? To Siavonga for the 4-D holiday.”
See. He didn’t even notice I was out of it just now. I’m not okay. He never asked if I’m good. Does he want to know what’s eating me up? Or is he content like this. Planning trips with me when I’m so zoned out of a conversation. Is this what right looks like? Because if it is then maybe I want wrong. Wrong so bad I feel awesomeness from it.
“What do you think?” He asks excitedly.
“Hmmmm.” I respond.
I smile at him. To be honest I don’t understand why he’s planning so far ahead into the future. It’s only April and he’s planning July holidays. Come back to reality. I need air. Space to think. What makes him think I’ll be around to love him for that long. I know that long is two months away. Do I even love him? Will I ever love him?
“Babe!” He says aloud. “Where are you?”
“Huh!” I respond. “I’ll think about it.” Of course I won’t. I don’t even think I want to. But I should. I won’t.
“Great. We can go sight seeing. Stay in our room. Walk around.”
“Awwwww. That’s so cute. I’d like that a lot.”
“Great. I know a great lodge there. Perfect spot. You and me together. Enjoying the sun. Being in bed. You know…. That kind of thing.”
See. Mr romantic of sorts. I remember our most romantic date was valentines day. He took me for dinner and spoilt me with gifts and we spent the night clubbing because I love dancing. He is that kind of caring man. What every lady desires.
Do we not create lists of all characteristics a man should have to be attractive. Like loving, caring, Christian etc… But in this case it’s not enough. I want more. He is so patient. Sometimes I feel he knows I am hesitant to open up and talk to him about what is eating me up. But he still lets me stay. True love or desperation I do not know. Why does he love me?
He walks up to me and gives me a hug. For a second I take a deep breath and calm down. I needed this. A hug. Just his hands on me. I inhale his scent and I close my eyes remembering the first time we met. Four months go by so fast.
I feel his kiss on my cheek and neck before he lets go of me and walks back to the stove. Couldn’t I just stay five minutes longer in his arms. I watch him turn the mince and see him smile at his work. Sweet. This could be the life I could have if I choose to stay. Would it be so bad to stay?
Mama always said “you have to imagine your life with someone before you leap into something. Can you see yourself waking up next to this person everyday for the next fifty years.” Wise words from a wise woman. I have thought about that statement. And I have answered the question as best to my knowledge. No. I don’t see myself being with him for fifty years. Happy? No. Excited? No.
But what if you can settle and learn to love him. After all how did my parents and their parents and their parents before them manage when they had to go through marriage deals to make things like this work. And come on they had to be in love in the end if they could have more than three children right. They ended up falling in love in the end right? Or did they?
“We should go out for a movie after this. I know I stay far from civilisation but you always make the effort to see me and I want to spoil you today. You in?”
I don’t want to go for the movie. Awwww he looks so excited. That means I will have to stay over. I’ll just have to go for that movie. See how hard this is.
Or maybe I could just meet someone else. So many women in their thirties still fall in love with other men. I can not be a woman that cheats. Never ever.
“Why don’t we stay in.” I respond. Why waste his money if this is how I am feeling.
“Why babe? Or we could go dancing. Should be fun.” He says
See he’s not listening to me. I just wish I can sit him down and explain my fears. I just need someone who will see me and love me for who I am. Doesn’t he? Why not give him a chance. Give it six months and maybe. Maybe my feelings would have changed. But I have been saying this to myself for two months already. Am I still holding onto things I shouldn’t be. Why am I so difficult.
He walks up to me and stands next to me.
“You know I love you right? You are the best thing in my life right now.”
He nudges me with his shoulder. I smile.
“I can tell when you are stressed babe. Something is on your mind. Wanna talk about it?”
“It’s nothing. Just me going through some things that I need to sort out.”
He puts his arm around me and hugs me.
“Why do you love me?” I ask before I can stop my mouth from uttering the words.
“Because you are kind. You are warm. You have a contagious smile with a chipped tooth that just makes me happy. I look at you and I see the who we can be together. You are an awesome person and I’m blessed to have you in my life. It’s that simple. I want you to be happy every time. And, I hope we can take this far into a future.”
Future? Really? He’s talking about a future I can’t even see yet. Wow. He really is good.
He walks back to the stove as I look at him.
“Done. Lunch is ready. You want to eat now?”
I shake my head. I’m not hungry. Probably because of my thoughts and the decision I need to make. I came to see him for a reason. I came to see him for my happiness. Would I be happy with my choice? Why is being single at 31 hard?
This is not what I had planned for me at this age. I should have been married by now with two kids. But here I am still searching for Mr right while other ladies where getting married left, right and centre settling for whatever they find from their phone books.
Who am I? Why am I this kind of person? Something is wrong with me. I keep letting them go. So something must be wrong with me. He deserves someone who will see the best in him while I keep searching, but what if this is my last chance and if I let him go there will never be another man to love me and see me as beautiful because I would be what they call too old or too difficult. What a society I was raised in. A mess of sorts.
I feel his hand on my back. Comforting. Settle or keep searching. Comfort or passion.
This could be my life if I want it to be. Make the most of it.
“We need to talk.” I say aloud.
“Okay. Sure.” He says happily.
“I hope you don’t take this the wrong way but we need to discuss something.”
“Sure. You can talk to me about anything. I’ll always be here for you. You are my love. Are you okay? What’s bothering you?”
I need to give him my piece now. My fears. He deserves to know the truth.
Settle or keep searching. What to do. What to do.
“It’s about us.”
He looks at me silent. Waiting. Can he guess what I’m about to do? Can he feel it? Why is my heart so calm? Have I made a decision already. Or is this some artificial calmness before the storm?
For the first time I wish I could take a drink. I wish I was the drinking kind but I’m not. Sadly. The spaghetti might go pretty well with a glass of wine. Concentrate. Why is my mind straying off?
To settle or not to settle is the question.
And my answer? To be honest not even I know.