Too loud… His mouth is ever open. Next!!
Too much acne… It’s the truth. But the girl beside him doesn’t mind. Good for him or her. Next!!
Too drunk… Hes literally staggering and that’s not my portion. Next!!
Oooh there is one handsome…. Oh too married. And his clingy wife is next to him. Next!!
I’m being too judgmental; I’ll never find someone at this rate. And to think all I want is a drink or drinks and someone to pay for them. Don’t get me wrong I can afford to pay for my own drinks, after all I work – and I have an awesome job as a Lawyer. So it shouldn’t matter if the guy is loud right? Or pimple faced. Because I’m in it for the drinks. I suck at lying.
I walk towards the bar noticing- checking out- the men around. I could pick any guy to be the one to get my drinks but I have rules, you know and standards. Like, I want a drink from a guy so I am willing to talk to him about anything on the planet and if I like what I find in him I might take it a step further and seal the deal if you know what I mean. What I avoid in the quest for a drink is the buy-you-a-drink-means-we-are-now-dating-so-let’s-pick-our-wedding-date type of men.
I should be happy right, that such men exist. But I don’t want to have a boyfriend at the moment. Why? The unnecessary fights. Forced calls. Clingy(ness). Cleaning. Washing. Cooking. And to add on top of that list is sleeping with him out of obligation because if you say no he breaks apart. Fragile creatures.
I reach the bar signaling the bar man when I notice him. Sitting at the bar, full empty/ half full castle in front of him concentrating on his phone. Quick description, medium height, brush cut, no ring, blue jeans, white shirt, blue sneakers, no woman near him and the seat next to his is empty. Time to work my magic.
Rule 1: Notice everything about him and get his attention
The bar man comes in front of me and I give him my best smile.
“I would love a…….. a………”
Okay here is the thing. I can’t choose what I want right now because I want the man next to me to notice me so I go womanly.
“A glass of amarula. Double shot. No Ice.” I say
“Do you mind if I seat here?” I ask the man on his phone.
He turns and looks at me. Not handsome but he will do just fine I guess. I notice him checking me out from my face down to my heels. I also notice he likes what he sees because he says
“Sure. I don’t mind.” And he turns away and looks at his phone.
The bar man puts my glass of amarula in front of me and walks away.
Rule 2: Get his name and find out if he’s single
Whatever he’s looking at seems important but I have no choice. This is the man. I have made up my mind.
You gonna keep looking at your gadget all night?” I ask “Are you working in a bar?”
He turns and smiles. White teeth.
“Something like that. I had an email to send. Guilty of being a workaholic.” He responds.
“Are you kidding me? You should be at the office then, not here taking that crap drink, typing emails. Or home in your library while your wife waits for you.” See what I did there?
He laughs a throaty laugh.
“Okay. Firstly, no wife at home or girlfriend, perks of being me; secondly, Castle is a good drink. Thirdly, are you taking amarula?”
I smile and nod.
“That drink is pathetic.” I know “Tell you what?” He says. “Let’s get the good stuff.”
“If put your phone away, sure.” I answer.
He puts his phone in his pocket and signals the bar man who walks up to us.
“Double shot JD for two and ice.”
Yes… My kind of drink. Score. In your face amarula. I’m weird.
“Oh by the way I’m Mark.” He says.
Rule 3: Give a fake almost true name. Stalkers are real out there.
“I am Jacqueline. But my friends call me Jackie.”
He smiles. I don’t look like a Jackie but hey its only for tonight. By 5 am I will be back to my normal self.
Rule 4: Be as interesting as possible. I know tonight is gonna be a night to remember. My heart is doing the moonwalk at the moment.
I am about to answer his question when I feel vibration from my clutch. I offer my apologies and walk away to answer the call.
I hear his voice before I say a word. “Hey, been trying to reach you. Your number is always so hard to get through. I wanted to know if you would be able to come this weekend because we need to discuss the way forward with the divorce.”
ex (not yet) husbands are a problem.